Hi, everyone. Hope you’re all having a fantastic Thursday. Thanks again for agreeing to meet on such short notice—I know we’re all super busy with the close of the quarter, but I just wanted to take a moment out of this hectic week to announce that the Northwest sales team has blown through their goal of 1.5 million to a record-breaking 1.7 million in new contracted sales for Q4. How great is that? High fives all around, you guys. And in light of these accomplishments, I’m pleased to announce that, effective immediately, the entire northwest sales team will be sacrificed to Quetzalcoatl.
Helen, could you sharpen the Tecpatl before we begin? And Barry, would you remind your design intern that our ritual daggers are not for paper cutting? I love the kid to death, but if this shit keeps happening then we’ll need to talk. About sacrificing her, I mean.
While Helen is working the whetstone, I’d like to call out a few names who really made this unprecedented earnings record possible. Remember Janet’s presentation to our client at OmniCorp that raked in a staggering sixty percent of our revenue for the quarter? She met her responsibilities with zeal and determination, ripping through that project with an almost frightening intensity. Let’s follow her example, shall we?
And who can forget Mitchell’s three-hour long conference call that secured our final contract for the quarter. When the client told him that all of their infrastructure solutions needs had been met for the fiscal year, did he take “no” for an answer? Of course not! He fought tooth and nail for that business, securing it only out of sheer determination of will.
Come to think of it—do we still have that rope left over from last week’s piñata party? If Mitchell treats this news about our offering in the same way he does his quarterly sales goals, I’m thinking we’ll need it.
Before we begin, I’d like to say that we listened to all of the feedback received from last quarter’s ritual, and I’m happy to announce that a “splash zone” has been marked with in gaffer’s tape along the first two rows of folding chairs. Keep this in mind when you choose your seat—I don’t want to see any more dry cleaning bills on monthly expense reports.
Like I said, I’m thrilled that we came together as a company to execute this plan, and I’m just as delighted that we can come together again and execute the team itself. I couldn’t be more proud of these guys. To Tlalocan!