As long-time residents of this city ever since rising property values piqued our interest in heavily developing it, we know that Ernie’s Kitchen has been a staple in the neighborhood, serving breakfast, lunch, and dinner for decades. Given that so many fond memories have been made at Ernie’s over the years, we wanted to reach out to the community directly to clear the air regarding rumors about the restaurant’s future.
First, the ownership: Ernie and his staff will be transitioning to emeritus positions. Next, we’ll be retiring the menu as you know it today. And finally, Ernie’s Kitchen will no longer operate as a sit-down dining establishment serving food and drinks, but rather as a state-of-the-art high end living space.
We know everyone will miss seeing Ernie flipping flapjacks on the griddle. While Ernie is certainly an irreplaceable figure in these parts, our firm is not exactly a stranger to the neighborhood; we’ve been putting down roots for a while now. Remember knocking back a pint at that classic dive bar, The Pitch? Or knocking over pins at the old Timber Bowladrome? We knocked those and many other buildings down to construct most of the other luxury condominium complexes you’ve seen around town.
And for those of you who have mourned the loss of live music at the Wolf’s Howl, you’ll be delighted to know that the condos now occupying their former lot all feature fully integrated wireless Sonos speaker systems (available for an additional equipment setup and installation charge).
In terms of other alterations, our “menu” will be much more simplified from what you’re used to. Instead of choosing between a bevy of brunch classics, sandwiches, and delicious entrées, your choices will be limited to one option: a condo, which comes with a side of homeowners association fees.
Any regular visitor to Ernie’s Kitchen knows and loves those signature stacks of pancakes, but in their absence, we hope our forthcoming towering construction project will give you that same sense of awe. (We greased the local zoning board to circumvent municipal height restrictions.) And so you don’t totally miss out on your favorite morning treat, we’ll be stocking the vending machines in our lobbies with Entenmann’s Little Bites. Bring your own syrup!
If you’re worried about the effect of the development of this new condominium complex on the already precarious housing crisis in the area, rest assured that we have not lost sight of this. Our building permit guarantees that 10% of our available units will be reserved for affordable housing. These units are “affordable” in the sense that as long as you can make the estimated mortgage payment of $4,000 by the first of each month, then you’re more than welcome to live here.
And yes, all of our buildings are indeed LEED Gold certified.
We’ll also have a very limited number of artist-subsidized condos available. The artist verification process involves auditioning your art to our CFO, Bradley. He has no background (formal or otherwise) in the fine arts and holds a bachelor’s degree in Business Administration, but he once took me to one of those “wine and paint night” events, and you’d swear that the oil from his Starry Night rendition was placed on the canvas by Van Gogh himself.
There are also a lot of great amenities in the immediate surrounding area for shopping and entertainment. Just keep in mind that many of these shops and venues are in the midst of restructuring their business models to no longer offer the products and services they’ve become known for and are instead pivoting to the more profitable practice of becoming a brand new condominium complex.
To give you some insight into how we select a new redevelopment location, we collect market data based on demographic trends, follow projections on future property valuations, and closely track which commercial tenants are beloved in the community yet may not be able to withstand a significant economic downturn.
While it’s true that the majority of the units in our other condos are still unfilled, we’re big fans of the Field of Dreams mantra: “If you build it, they will come.”
Thus far, this has proven untrue. But making business decisions based on quotes from movies starring Kevin Costner hasn’t led us astray in the past.
Though Ernie’s Kitchen is getting a bit of a facelift, we hope to maintain a great, friendly presence in the neighborhood.
So come on down to our office today. Just like at Ernie’s, we’re first-come, first served, and cash transactions are preferred.