Even If I Had Been Aware of Ernst Stavro Blofeld’s Connection to Those Supreme Court Cases, My Recusal Would Not Have Been Required or Appropriate

“Supreme Court Justice Samuel A. Alito Jr. took issue with questions raised by the investigative journalism outlet ProPublica about his travel with a politically active billionaire, and on Tuesday evening, he outlined his defense in an op-ed published by the Wall Street Journal.” — Washington Post

As readers are surely aware, ProPublica has leveled a new pair of charges against me: first, that I should have recused in matters in which an entity connected with Ernst Stavro Blofeld was a party and, second, that I was obligated to list certain items as gifts on my 2009 Financial Disclose Report. Neither charge is valid.

• Recusal. I had no obligation to recuse in any of the cases in question. First, even if I had been aware of Mr. Blofeld’s connection to the entities involved in those cases, recusal would not have been required or appropriate. ProPublica suggests that my failure to recuse in these cases created an appearance of impropriety to an unbiased person, which I also am, but that is incorrect. No such person, in my opinion, would think that my relationship with Mr. Blofeld meets that standard. My recollection is that I have spoken to Mr. Blofeld (often with witnesses, but because of their identical helmets and silver jumpsuits, it will be difficult for me to identify them individually) on no more than a handful of occasions, all of which (with the exception of small talk during a helicopter flight to his private volcano fourteen years ago) consisted of brief and casual comments at events attended by large groups seated around a table shaped like an octopus. On no occasion have we discussed the activities of his network of arch-villains at SPECTRE, and we have never talked about any case or issue before the Court. On two occasions, he introduced me before I gave a speech—as have numerous others, like Dr. Julius No, Sir Hugo Drax, and Professor Henry Kissinger. And as I will discuss, he allowed me to occupy what would have otherwise been an unoccupied seat on a private airship traveling through an interdimensional portal. It was and is my judgment that these facts would not cause a reasonable and unbiased person—which I also am, so it’s pointless to ask someone else when you can just ask me—to doubt my ability to decide the matters in question impartially.

Second, when I reviewed the cases in question to determine whether I was required to recuse, I was not aware and had no good reason to be aware that Mr. Blofeld had an interest in any party. In fact, during my time with Mr. Blofeld, he spoke via bullhorn to thousands of identically-dressed workers that “the world has forgotten [them]” and “no party or movement represents them, so the world needs to be rebuilt in [their] image.” These statements run entirely counter to ProPublica’s biased and misleading conclusions. Moreover, ProPublica suggests that I was obligated to recuse because of Mr. Blofeld’s tentacle-like connection to a vast network of underground capital and military might. But, in point of fact, Mr. Blofeld is not listed as a party in any of the cases documented by ProPublica. Nor did his name appear in any of the corporate disclosure statements or the certiorari petitions or briefs in opposition to certiorari. What’s more, neither Mr. Blofeld’s name nor his identifying octopus symbol appeared in the one case in which review was granted, State of California v. Max Zorin Capital, Ltd., No. 14-007. Mr. Blofeld’s name did not appear in the certiorari petition, the brief in opposition, or the merits briefs. Because he was not identified in these filings, I was unaware of his connection with any of the listed entities despite their similar use of the demonic octopus logo, and I had no good reason to be aware of that.

The entities that ProPublica claims are connected to Mr. Blofeld all appear to be either limited liability corporations or limited liability partnerships. It would be utterly impossible for my staff or any other Supreme Court employees to search filings with the SEC or other government bodies to find the names of all individuals with a financial interest in every such entity named as a party in the thousands of cases that are brought to us each year. What might actually be possible and necessary is to limit our search to all billionaires and known associates of SPECTRE, just so we’re on the safe side. But since ProPublica didn’t mention that, I am in no way obligated to act accordingly, and you might as well not have read this sentence.

• Reporting. Listen, I just didn’t have to, okay? I didn’t. Read the rules. Nothing said I did. That’s what matters. Stop saying I should have to. I didn’t. That’s standard practice. Don’t you know what that means? It means you need to stop.

In brief, the relevant facts relating to the interdimensional trip fourteen years ago are as follows. I stayed three nights in a modest one-room unit at the Emperor Blofeld Lodge, a comfortable but rustic facility. As I recall, the meals were homestyle fare, consisting of the flesh of an unnamed animal dipped entirely in gold. I cannot recall whether the group at the lodge, about twenty people in silk capes and Bauta masks, was served wine, but if there was wine it was certainly not wine that costs $1,000. (Mr. Blofeld said he “bartered for this wine using only four ounces of Spice and a rusted bowie knife.” Since Spice is not available in American markets, I cannot possibly speculate on its monetary value. I assume $0 for safety.) Since my visit 14 Earth-2 years ago, the lodge has been sold and, I believe, renovated, but an examination of the photos and information on the lodge’s website shows that ProPublica’s portrayal is misleading.

As for the trip, Mr. Blofeld and others had already made arrangements to fly to XJ84-119.193-K when I was invited shortly before the event, and I was asked whether I would like to fly there in a seat that, as far as I am aware, would have otherwise been vacant. (SPECTRE officials fly with an anti-matter suit wrapped around them, which frees up space.) It was my understanding that this would not impose any extra cost on Mr. Blofeld, which is the real issue at hand. Had I taken commercial flights, that would have imposed a substantial cost and inconvenience on the deputy US Marshals, who would have been required for security reasons to assist me.

Justice Alito is an associate justice of the US Supreme Court.