Hello, Mr. Bond. So nice to see you again. I trust your accommodations have been … comfortable? Ha ha ha! Guard, open the gate. I want to interact with our guest, the world’s most famous secret agent.
I have heard you enjoy gaming, Mr. Bond. Baccarat, 21, roulette? I am a connoisseur of such games. I relish the opportunity to play against a challenger such as yourself. I am a sporting type. I like to give those who fail to foil my plans at least a fighting chance.
Here we are. Prepare the game table! We shall play, Mr. Bond, for your freedom. You win: you get the launch codes. You lose … well, we shall see what happens. Please, sit! I hope you don’t mind the presence of my assistant, Elka. Rest assured, she will be watching your every move. And that control in her hand? It is designed to control the trapdoor under your chair! Ha ha ha!
Do you recognize this game, Mr. Bond? I am sure you do. Surely a man as well traveled as you has come into contact with this game once or twice. I would be very surprised if you had not won a match or two. It’s a sophisticated game of skill, Mr. Bond, given to me by a dear friend.
I must warn you: I have not yet mastered the game, but, unless you are an expert, I do not think you will pose much of a challenge. Ha ha ha!
Please hand me the deck of cards, Elka. I will shuffle them myself. I will now select three cards at random. A game of chance, Mr. Bond!
I seem to have selected a most interesting series of cards, Mr. Bond: the Colonel Mustard, the Candlestick, and the Dining Room! We will need these later, so I will place them at the center of the board, and … What, Elka? I see. You seem to have caught me off guard, Mr. Bond. I seem to have inadvertently revealed the three cards. You won’t have that advantage again, Mr. Bond! I pick once more! Three new random cards! There! In the center of the board! We play on!
Elka, there are, like, 50 cards left. So you’ll have to refresh me—pardon me, Mr. Bond. Elka, refresh me on what we do with these. We each get, like, five cards? Five for Mr. Bond, five for me, and … Is that right? That’s how we usually play, isn’t it? Well, it just seems like a lot of cards for two people. Please, check the instructions. This will take a minute. Don’t go anywhere, Mr. Bond! Ha ha ha!
I separate the cards? How? Can we just try to go with it the way it is and see how it works out? I’ve got a lunch to attend in about an hour, and we should, you know, keep things moving here.
What? Really, Mr. Bond? You want to solve the case? Impossible! I see through your ploy. Perhaps you are playing for time? I see. Well, go ahead, make a guess.
I see. Well, it appears that you happen to be correct. Good guess. What? Well, then please hand me the envelope to put them in, Elka. I did not know. How was I supposed to know that? I thought we just put them down in the center of the board. I didn’t even know there was an envelope. Anyway. We begin again with three new cards, Mr. Bond! Nice try!
Is it just me, or does it seem like this might take a while? We still have to sort the cards. Mr. Bond, I hope you don’t have anywhere to go … ha ha ha! Maybe we could get some water or something in here. Some popcorn, I don’t know. Well, I think it might take a while, that’s all.
Elka, seriously, does it say how long this takes? I don’t know, maybe on the back of the box. What? Three to six players? You have got to be kidding me. I guess so, but, you know, someone has to keep an eye on him. I don’t know, maybe get one of the guards? Are they busy right now?
You know what? Just forget it. This whole thing is way too complicated. I mean, this is going to take an hour and I’ve got that lunch to go to.
I wish someone had told me this before we started. As a matter of fact, get this game out of here! Who even sent this over, anyway? Who? Well, then, mark my words: Auric Goldfinger is off my holiday-card list!
Elka, hand me the Yahtzee set! Mr. Bond, you are in for some trouble now! You will wish you never signed up for Her Majesty’s Secret Service!