1. I’m incredibly beautiful but it’s an accident, I swear!

2. I love Jane Austen if this is a comedy, or the Brontë sisters if this is a drama.

3. I eat a lot, lol.

4. I love listening to music almost as much as I love listening to you talk about music.

5. I’m smart but not as smart as you.

6. I’m extremely knowledgeable about exactly one subject.

7. I have a great sense of humor, by which I mean, ha-ha — you’re so funny.

8. I’m not funny, but I am hilariously adorable when I get stressed out.

9. I have only one friend. Now she is funny.

10. I seem mysterious, but that’s just because I have almost no personality whatsoever.

11. My ex-boyfriend is a jerk, or maybe just boring.

12. I’m so nice.

13. When I’m sad, I drink wine alone.

14. I live well beyond my means in a beautiful apartment, but it’s somehow not an issue.

15. I lose my ability to walk in high heels when I get angry.

16. I really like you even though I shouldn’t due to some extenuating circumstance.

17. My parents are complicated and/or dead.

18. I have a vaguely creative job that I seem to be good at, but that’s not the point.

19. I believe in you!

20. I’d love to travel but haven’t had a chance to for some reason, probably because this is a metaphor for my lack of life experience, so instead I constantly talk about all the places I want to visit, probably because that’s a metaphor for my desire to break out of my shell and finally start LIVING.

21. I’m not perfect, which you know not because of my actions, but because I very dramatically told you so once.

22. If I’m half as wonderful as I seem, I’ll get sick of your shit and dump you very soon.

23. This is the most I’ve ever talked about myself! Normally I’m just listening to you or talking about that one subject I’m an expert in.

24. I will save you but don’t worry, you’ll still be the hero of this story.

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Read an interview with Mary Cella about the writing this list over on our Patreon page.