EXODUS: THE IMMERSIVE EXPERIENCE is an interactive exhibit that allows you to experience the story of Exodus like NEVER BEFORE because you NEVER PAID ATTENTION to all those seders your parents forced you to sit through while Jacob Feldstein dropped GEFILTE FISH down the BACK OF YOUR SHIRT.

Opening just in time for Passover, our curated journey will TRANSPORT YOU to the Egypt of the Pharaohs. Toil relentlessly under the BURNING SUN. Sleep on a ROCK PILLOW. Suffer the incessant blistering rash of BODY LICE.

At EXODUS: THE IMMERSIVE EXPERIENCE, you will join the Israelites as they ESCAPE to freedom. REDISCOVER your inner Hebraic slave. Finally understand the origins of your INTERGENERATIONAL TRAUMA and why your Bubbe DRINKS SO MUCH VODKA TONIC.

Each room of EXODUS: THE IMMERSIVE EXPERIENCE is expertly calibrated for FUN, JOY, and THE MINDLESS ALGORITHMS OF AI, so that when Jacob Feldstein looks you up on Instagram, he will see HOW ABSOLUTELY AMAZING YOUR LIFE IS and how he definitely should not have DUMPED YOU IN THE LIMO AFTER PROM.

Begin your incredible Torah encounter by climbing into an inflatable basket and traveling down our crocodile-infested NILE RIVER WATERSLIDE. Listen to the blaring soundtrack of sobbing mothers ABANDONING THEIR TINY INFANTS to give them A FLEETING CHANCE OF SURVIVAL. Scramble for safety when the crocodiles PIERCE your basket with their ENORMOUS TEETH.

Behold the glory of our real BURNING BUSH and listen to the THUNDERING COMMANDS OF G-D (voiced by CHRIS PRATT). Also, behold your trachea spasming shut as the smoke triggers an ASTHMA ATTACK. Wheeze HELPLESSLY for a doctor.

AWAKEN in the Pharaoh’s palace where Jacob Feldstein is giving you MOUTH-TO-MOUTH RESUSCITATION. Of course he became a FUCKING DOCTOR. Smile flirtatiously as he offers you a cup of water from the NILE RIVER WATERSLIDE. Take a huge SWIG. Hold on, did some kid PEE in this?

As part of your ticket price, you will receive THREE PLAGUE ENCOUNTERS. Will you be swarmed by LOCUSTS, plunged into eternal DARKNESS, or covered in FESTERING BOILS? Only the ancient vengeful G-d of the Israelites knows for sure. Don’t forget to paint LAMB’S BLOOD on the door so none of your fellow visitors DIE.

Finish your journey by racing for freedom through our REAL AQUARIUM RED SEA TUNNEL with matzo dough STRAPPED TO YOUR BACK. The tunnel is 212 DEGREES FAHRENHEIT to allow your matzo to bake without rising, and which is the hottest we could legally set a room meant for human occupation according to the HEALTH DEPARTMENT. Don’t pay attention to all the fish FLOATING UPSIDE DOWN because their aquarium water is 212 DEGREES FAHRENHEIT.

As you exit EXODUS: THE IMMERSIVE EXPERIENCE, be sure to stop in our GIFT SHOP where we have many overpriced souvenirs that you could have afforded if you had married DOCTOR JACOB FELDSTEIN, UGH JUST LOOK AT HIS PERFECT GORGEOUS WIFE—WAIT DID SHE GET LIP FILLERS? Reach into your purse for your flask of BUBBE’S VODKA TONIC, WHICH ISN’T EVEN KOSHER FOR PASSOVER, BUT WHO CARES AT THIS POINT JUST CHUG THAT SHIT.