Are you there God? It’s me, Moses. We’re fleeing Egypt today. I’m so scared, God. I’ve never lived anywhere but here. Well, except for when I ran to Midian after killing that guy. But the desert? Suppose I can’t stand the heat? What if all the Israelites hate me? Please help me, God. Don’t let the sand get in my peach fuzz. That would be so embarrassing. Also, it would be nice if you helped me develop some awesome abs so I look like a strong leader. Thank you.
I have an important question, God. Do you think I should wear socks with my sandals? Aaron says no one wears socks with sandals, especially in the desert. Zipporah, who I’m going steady with, says I should definitely wear socks because I always get blisters when I don’t wear them, and she doesn’t want to hear me complain later. Help me figure this out, God.
It’s Moses again. God, we have to talk about Pharaoh. He’s really upset that you killed all his firstborns. He’s super powerful and, like, looks really angry. His eyes are glowing green behind that enormous golden mask. Be honest with me, God. Are you going to harden his heart again? Please don’t. He already let us go. I’m beginning to think maybe you don’t like me as much as you say you do.
God, I have a lamb shank bone to pick with you. Did you send the Egyptians running after us with their chariots? That is so not cool. Now, we’re standing right before the Red Sea and there’s nowhere for us to go but in. You took us out of Egypt only to let us drown out here in the middle of nowhere? That’s really messed up, God. Also, I don’t want to change into my bathing suit. Everyone will see my body, and I need help building muscle. My abs are still nonexistent.
Are you there, Hashem? It’s me, Moshe. I thought I’d switch to the Hebrew version of our names, because I’m exploring my Jewishness. I appreciate you splitting the Red Sea, but I wish you would help me figure myself out. I’m just so confused.
God, we’re starving out here. Please send us some snacks from the heavens, quick. There are pains in my belly so deep, now I know what period cramps must feel like.
Why are you all the way up there in that mountain, God? I’m hot and sweaty, and I really don’t want to climb up there for the Ten Commandments. I wish you would come down here to me. Or maybe we can meet halfway? I ran out of deodorant, and I stink to the high heavens. If I come any closer, you’ll totally abandon me.
Are you there G-d? It’s still me, Moses. We need to talk about this third commandment: “Thou shalt not take the name of thy Lord thy G-d in vain.” I’m so sorry I’ve been addressing you by your full name this whole time. I hope you can forgive me. You are merciful, right?
Are you there, “he who shall not be named”? It’s me, Holy Moses. I just got so mad at the Israelites that I smashed the tablets in half—so sorry! Those drips. They were throwing a party without you and me. Did you see them dancing with a golden calf? Sorry, of course you saw: you’re all-seeing, duh. Well, they were worshiping it, like it was so hot and all. The girls who have boobs were even throwing their bras at it. That is not how I imagined homecoming.
God, you’re going to be very happy with me today. I came up with this little prayer chant to get the people on your side again: “We must, we must, we must increase our trust.”
I’m sorry, God. I didn’t mean to compare my hunger pains to menstrual cramps. I really don’t know what those feel like. But we’re still hungry out here. Please, I won’t ask for anything ever again—just some water. And also, bigger abs, remember?
Are you there, God? It’s me, your faithful prophet with the yet undefined midsection. I did an awful thing today. Just awful. I’m definitely the most horrible person who ever lived. I know you told me to talk to the rock for water, but I hit the rock instead. It felt ridiculous talking to a rock like we were on a sleepover. It just wasn’t really fair for you to, like, ask that of me.
Good God! You’d better be there, listening. After all that, you are going to just let me die out here in the desert? That’s a total bummer. You know what? One day, everyone is going to know my name in all languages, everywhere.
God, where are you? Just so you know, I’m really not feeling you. Where are my abs already?