William Carlos Williams writes a piece about Ernest Hemingway writing a technical manual for a Black and Decker C-2610 table saw:
The saw is in the icebox. It can cut through plums, that are also in the icebox. It is a baby’s saw, for sale, never used. Please use safety goggles before beginning C-2610 operation.
Henry David Thoreau writes a piece about Cormac McCarthy writing Twitter recaps of the Oscars:
I wish to live in the woods, and know only the essential facts that I can know with my hands. And from this experience, I know that NPH killed it #Oscars, and now my boy is dead. Do you reckon ‘Boyhood’ should have won best picture? “I reckon,” the Judge responded. The he looked at the empty, apocalyptic sky. OMG What was Lady Gaga wearing????
Ayn Rand writes a piece about Jack Kerouac writing a Buzzfeed listicle of cute cats:
There is no reality but objective reality and these cats are cute which only has value if one is willing to pay for that value—man. Do you hear me, America? Skiddity doop bop, number 7 is a cat named Mittens wearing mittens! I feel nothing for these cats for they cannot work or provide for themselves. Oooh, a GIF!
I’ve done it! Authors writing about other authors. I like this power. I want more! More authors!
Jane Austen writes a piece about James Joyce writing a piece about Charles Dickens writing a review of Girls:
The daughter of a well-to-do family looked out onto the rocky cliffs. She thought, would she find love, or would she be forced to walk the streets of Dublin referencing forgotten works of literature? Well, it was that or, “the workhouse with ya,” Hannah thought, while she wore the chains she unknowingly forged for herself in life that she bought from a Williamsburg vintage store. Episode grade: B-
They said three author references could not be done, but I did it! Behold my creation! You gluttons! You fools!
George Orwell writes a piece about William Faulkner writing a piece about George R. R. Martin writing copy for a new Matthew McConaughey Lincoln Ad:
Imagine a boot, stomping over and over again on your face as you drive down a dimly lit highway in a stylish luxury crossover. Matthew, bearded, the youngest of the three sons of Cumberland County, Georgia fled to…Kings Landing? There he met Jon Snow, who said, “Winter is coming…but you’ll drive through the ice just fine in your new Lincoln MKX. Alright, alright, alright.”
They mocked my plan, they said the essay wouldn’t be stable, but who’s laughing now? Hahahahaha! Who’s laughing now?
Jorge Luis Borges writes a piece about William Shakespeare writing a piece about Dr. Seuss writing a piece about Vladimir Nabokov writing Tinder responses:
I awoke, and truly, I saw a labyrinth. A maze of “Hey Girl, sup?” Who is that? It is the Vicar of Verona, and he thinks that the apothecary, “has a nice ass.” I am an ass man, Sam I am. Lolita, fire of my loins, DTF?… a map the size of the world… DTF… tis nobler… DTF… red fish… DTF… rust and stardust… DTF…
The seams of the essay are starting to show. I don’t care. I’ll keep going. More authors! More authors!
J.R.R. Tolkien writes a piece about Homer writing a piece about Stephen King writing a piece about J.K. Rowling writing a piece about Edgar Allen Poe writing Yelp reviews about the Pizza Hut Honey Sriracha Crust Pizza:
This pizza, my precious! It is in the oven—er, the Dark Tower—er, is that a school for wizards? No, it’s the sirens. No it’s a Pizza Hut! Mmmmm, spicy. Never more!!!!!!
The references… no, no, they’re starting to collapse in on themselves. The essay is crumbling. Please, save me. I don’t want to do this any more!
You shall not pass—up this deal from Pizza Hut, Cujo! I mean, Harry. I mean, Cyclops. I mean, Cujo. I mean… can you deliver this pizza to the House of Usher?
It’s all falling apart. Help! Help!
What is that beating beneath the floor? It’s honey sriracha pizza. Honey sriracha pizza. Honey sriracha pizza. Honey. Sriracha. Pizza.
Stop this. I can’t take it. I’m going insane! No more references. No more!
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