Q. What is the asteroid package?
Congrats on your engagement. Our boutique venue Asteroids4You offers a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to have a celebration that ends with your entire wedding smote by an asteroid.
Q. How do I know the asteroid package is right for me?
Let’s face it, wedding planning exists in a quantum state that is exciting but also painful. Our streamlined package is designed to take all the stress out of wedding planning and replace it with the joy and peace of your imminent demise.
Q. Why can’t I find any testimonials online?
No client has survived to write a review. People tend to find us out of desperation: when they’re on the cusp of leaving the in-law family group chat, being asked for the hundredth time if your cousin’s Tinder date can count as a plus one, explaining electronic RSVPs to your grandparents, etc. We’ve never been short on clients.
Q. How big is the asteroid?
As large as you would like it to be. Our founders—astrophysicists from NASA who hated wedding planning and dreamed of a way to eliminate all prenuptial stress—have been able to “lasso” three types of asteroids.
The Mini-Package can smite up to twenty-five guests (and comes with a complimentary cake smiting). Our next level up is the Asteroid Plus Package, which can smite up to a hundred guests. If your wedding is larger, we recommend the Mega-Asteroid Package, which can smite up to two thousand guests. (This comes with a free satellite asteroid that can take out a David’s Bridal of your choice.)
Q. Is there parking on site?
We recommend our clients arrange a shuttle to bring guests to the location, as any cars left on the premises past 5:00 p.m. will be pulverized. However, if guests would like to drive to the venue, we offer complimentary parking passes for up to fifteen guests. Please note that the fortified underground garage is for staff vehicles only.
Q. Are children allowed at the venue?
We adore children and think they are the future. For this reason, they cannot thrive in the adults-only setting of a group asteroid smiting. We recommend leaving your little ones at home with a trusted sitter or in the care of your favorite rich spinster relative.
Q. Will I be responsible for the cleanup?
You do NOT have to clean up your own asteroid smiting. If you would like to have any of your earthly possessions survive, they must be out of the impact range by 7:00 p.m. Using quantum physics, string theory, and the power of Dawn dish soap, our trusty team members will be able to clean up any remaining wedding rubble within three-to-five business days. Holidays require an extra day, as our company has a very flexible vacation policy.
Q. What is the video and photography policy for an asteroid wedding?
For an asteroid wedding, you can go all out. We have a very open social media policy, as asteroids make for an incredibly memorable viral event. We also have a “cannot allow” list of photographers who have paid us to make sure they don’t accidentally get invited to an asteroid wedding. So please check our website for pre-approved vendors. If you aren’t sure who to go with, we can also recommend several photographers with one-star Yelp reviews who have shown smite-able behavior in the past. We have an even longer list of wedding DJs.
Q. Who should I invite to an asteroid wedding?
Our clientele tends to find that the impending doom brought on by a giant meteor simplifies the guest invitation process. From the smallest, most intimate affair of close family and friends, to the grandest bacchanal of everyone from your hometown, we can smite them all. (But you can also opt to create a list of everyone you absolutely detest, which is usually easier.)
Q. Can I customize my asteroid impact wedding?
We can accommodate any religious or cultural traditions you would like us to follow. After all, it’s your big final day. Otherwise, our standard setup begins at 10:00 a.m., and you will have the entire venue to yourself as we allow only one asteroid collision per day.
Q. What kinds of alcohol and bartending packages do you offer?
All of our asteroid packages come with top-shelf liquor options. Last call is 4:30 p.m., after which all staff will exit to prepare for the impending collision. Guests are welcome to serve themselves until the very moment of impact.
Q. Do you have a kitchen on site?
Yes, a kitchen is available to cater to all final meal requests. Due to the unique nature of our venue, we rebuild the kitchen after every wedding (we have a reliable contractor on retainer). Don’t worry; we promise to have everything up and running for your last hurrah.
Q. Can we arrange outside catering?
No.
Q. Is security allowed?
On-site security will be provided. In our experience, it’s often used more to keep guests in than unwanted guests out.
Q. Are guests required to die?
While it isn’t mandatory, dying alongside the happy couple is encouraged. Traditionally, the wedding party is expected to die. It’s fine to opt out of dying, but people may talk about the gauche faux pas behind their backs. Partygoers are responsible for their own mortality. Our venue is not liable for guests who leave the premises and accidentally miss their own asteroid smiting.
Q. But I can still die, right?
Yes, 100 percent guaranteed.