Thank you for inadvertently choosing non-clumping Catrecil for your contraceptive needs. By adopting two rescue cats and wearing a sweatshirt with a cat on it—albeit ironically—you have activated the powerful birth-control system that is Catrecil. Do not use Catrecil if you smoke or are over age 35, as this may increase your risk of quitting your job to sell tamales over the Internet. Catrecil does not protect against cooter rabies. Also, someone will need to come by and feed it if you go out of town for more than a day or so.
What is Catrecil?
- Catrecil is cat-shaped and is basically just cats. It does not contain fiber.
- Catrecil releases craziness into your eyes when you talk about Catrecil.
- Catrecil users who are music majors may experience naming their cats after composers. Please note, studies conducted by your mother have shown that the chances of actually using a music degree and not winding up writing grants out of the back of a camper are extremely slim.
- In some women, Catrecil can cause aggressive behavior toward friends who balk at adopting incontinent rescue cats from no-kill shelters in rural areas.
- Some thoughts of getting bangs have been reported. Call your younger sister immediately if you experience these or other style-related symptoms. She will remind you that when you have bangs you look like Nick Nolte.
- Catrecil is not recommended for women who have or plan on having a boyfriend. Bring a picture of your boyfriend to your appointment so your doctor can decide if she wants his phone number.
How does Catrecil work?
- Catrecil works by putting hairballs on your Urban Outfitters duvet cover and letting your ovaries know they can migrate over to your stomach to be digested now.
- If, for some reason, things get as far as third base, Catrecil yowls and yowls until you get up to put canned food in its bowl, destroying the mood.
How well does Catrecil work for contraception?
The following chart shows the chance of getting pregnant for women who use different methods of birth control. It is organized from least to most effective.
- No birth control = Lots and lots of babies
- Tylenol Between Knees = Strangely hot under the right circumstances. Moderate babies.
- Vegan in Midwest = Unless it makes you skinny, and not kind of bloated, mostly no babies.
- Catrecil = Calcified trees have more babies.
How Can I Tell if Catrecil is Working?
- Some users experience being burned as witches in their mountain villages. Others simply notice their vaginas have fallen out.
- There is a box of poop in your house.
Notify your healthcare provider immediately if you:
- Were born a dude.
- Have a freakishly large pelvis that emits a high-pitched humming sound.
- Can’t stop operating heavy machinery.
- Are in the process of rejecting your face transplant. Oh. Sorry. It’s just…. LOL! Never mind! Your face is so pretty!
Are those the side effects of Catrecil?
All birth control methods have side effects and risks. Some users will find that they are allergic to Catrecil, but that most shelters have a “no returns” policy. In clinical trials, users played around with tucking their faces and hands in to their cat sweatshirts. This diminished their risk of melanoma.
Should I check that Catrecil is in the proper position?
Yes. You should do this after you have brought the cats and the sweatshirt home. Wash your hands with soap and water. Put on the sweatshirt. Feel around for the cats behind and underneath your refrigerator. Did you find them? Oops—you should have put on an oven mitt. Well, that bite on your hand is how you know Catrecil is working. Now go watch NCIS and order ferns on the Internet.
What if I become pregnant while using Catrecil?
Sometimes one of the cats you brought home is actually an overweight ferret, or an otter that has escaped from the aquarium and is playing pretend. These pets can actually cause sex to happen under rare circumstances having to do mainly with attending weird conventions. Think back: did you have sex with someone who was talking a lot about otters?
Is Catrecil for outdoor use?
No. Catrecil is an indoor contraceptive. Do not let it go outside. If it runs away, call your healthcare provider. Purchase a back up cat-sweatshirt and get bangs immediately until you have located your Catrecil.