Broken boiler

Combination washing machine-stove

Bathroom with three sinks and no toilet

Twin ghosts

Banging pipes that sound like the weeping of an old Italian widow

Former home of sex cult

Current home of sex cult

No roof

No walls

No floors

Tile-eating termites

Shag ceiling

Built on quicksand

Foundation is gum

Landlord is snakes

Infestation of spunky mice with strong design opinions

Soaking-wet basement

Man living in crawl space (category: kind eyes)

Man living in crawl space (category: lust for blood)

Comes with previous owner’s Komodo dragon, who will only sleep in my baby’s crib

Down payment of both kidneys

Mold that enters my brain, causes me to lose touch with reality, and makes me think I’m a sun-dried tomato

Venetian plaster