1. Digging for Clams
What the hell is Betsy doing in the bathroom for so long? Digging for clams?
My Tinder date was so pathetic I would have had a way better time spelunking—and I have a hook for a hand!
3. Tickling My Fancy
Oh, hi, Mom. No, I’m not busy, just tickling my fancy. What, you too?
4. Flicking Fiona
What the fuck? Are you flicking Fiona? Both hands on the wheel, bitch. We’re on the freeway!
5. Slugging the Sister
Some say roof repair and slugging the sister make a dangerous combination, but I call that shit multitasking.
6. Damning the Beaver
Who can blame me for damning the beaver? That was the most boring Christmas pageant ever!
7. Shucking the Oyster
So there I was, shucking the oyster, when the DMV clerk finally called out my number. My Real ID photo is going to be awesome.
8. Hittin’ the Kitten
Grandma’s wake may not be the best time for hittin’ the kitten, but damn, have you tasted Aunt Betty’s casserole?
9. Twanging the Meringue
This wasn’t the first time I’ve been kicked out of church for twanging the meringue, but I didn’t even get to finish giving my sermon.
10. Denching the Judy
Denching the Judy is the last thing I’d think to do when getting mauled by a grizzly, but that’s Allison for you.
11. Pinching the Princess
I was having a fabulous time pinching the princess until the epidural kicked in. Not even out of the womb, and that kid’s already cramping my style.
12. Rubbin’ the Nubbin
Rubbin’ the nubbin while defusing a bomb probably wasn’t a smart idea, but at least Mary died doing what she loved.
13. Beating Around the Bush
If you’re not too busy beating around the bush, how about you finish replacing the patient’s heart valve?
14. Twiddling My Thumb
I know murder is a serious charge, officer, but can’t this wait until I’m done twiddling my thumb?
15. Surfing the Slit
It turns out you can land a Dreamliner while surfing the slit. Suck it, FAA!