Our 10th most-read article of 2023.

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Originally published January 10, 2023.

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1. Digging for Clams

What the hell is Betsy doing in the bathroom for so long? Digging for clams?

2. Spelunking

My Tinder date was so pathetic I would have had a way better time spelunking—and I have a hook for a hand!

3. Tickling My Fancy

Oh, hi, Mom. No, I’m not busy, just tickling my fancy. What, you too?

4. Flicking Fiona

What the fuck? Are you flicking Fiona? Both hands on the wheel, bitch. We’re on the freeway!

5. Slugging the Sister

Some say roof repair and slugging the sister make a dangerous combination, but I call that shit multitasking.

6. Damning the Beaver

Who can blame me for damning the beaver? That was the most boring Christmas pageant ever!

7. Shucking the Oyster

So there I was, shucking the oyster, when the DMV clerk finally called out my number. My Real ID photo is going to be awesome.

8. Hittin’ the Kitten

Grandma’s wake may not be the best time for hittin’ the kitten, but damn, have you tasted Aunt Betty’s casserole?

9. Twanging the Meringue

This wasn’t the first time I’ve been kicked out of church for twanging the meringue, but I didn’t even get to finish giving my sermon.

10. Denching the Judy

Denching the Judy is the last thing I’d think to do when getting mauled by a grizzly, but that’s Allison for you.

11. Pinching the Princess

I was having a fabulous time pinching the princess until the epidural kicked in. Not even out of the womb, and that kid’s already cramping my style.

12. Rubbin’ the Nubbin

Rubbin’ the nubbin while defusing a bomb probably wasn’t a smart idea, but at least Mary died doing what she loved.

13. Beating Around the Bush

If you’re not too busy beating around the bush, how about you finish replacing the patient’s heart valve?

14. Twiddling My Thumb

I know murder is a serious charge, officer, but can’t this wait until I’m done twiddling my thumb?

15. Surfing the Slit

It turns out you can land a Dreamliner while surfing the slit. Suck it, FAA!

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Read an interview with author Tina Caputo about writing this piece over on our Patreon page.