Samantha “Sam” Baker, the lead character in the John Hughes movie “Sixteen Candles,” recently turned 50.
Samantha “Sam” Baker wakes up on her 50th birthday. She reaches for the iPhone on the nightstand and immediately feels a tear in her rotator cuff. She heads into the bathroom to pluck the white chin hair that grew overnight.
Sam enters the kitchen, anticipating a special breakfast with her family. Instead, she finds her husband watching the latest Trump news on CNN, and her teenage daughter posing for a selfie while licking a can of Rockstar Energy Drink. “Oh, hi,” her husband finally says. “If you’re looking for the Pepcid AC, I took the last one. This fucking guy, am I right?”
Next, Sam goes to her Barre Method class and pays $25 to squeeze her glutes next to her best friend Randy. During class, Sam texts Randy that she would definitely do it with Jake Ryan if she had the chance. “Jake Ryan the divorced dad who was convicted of embezzling from the youth soccer league?” Randy texts back. She includes three eggplant emojis.
“No, I’d do it with Jake Ryan the divorced dad who was busted for holding illegal poker games in his apartment complex,” Sam replies. “But he doesn’t even know I exist. Hey, do you have any IcyHot in your Kate Spade crossbody? My left hamstring is seizing.”
What Sam doesn’t know is that she accidentally sent the text to Jake Ryan whose number she has in her phone from that time they worked the dunk tank together at the school carnival.
While waiting in line at Starbucks, Jake gets the text and realizes Sam has the hots for him. Then he goes back to looking at 25-year-old massage therapists named Kayleigh on Tinder.
Later, Sam takes an Uber home after day drinking at a wine bar. The driver is a guy known as Farmer Ted because he grows medical marijuana and heirloom tomatoes under his deck. He asks her to go with him to a protest march later that night and she replies, "Gah! Is Trump all anyone can think about?”
At home, Sam sees she’s been kicked out of her bedroom because her husband rented it on Airbnb to a couple from Seattle who make bespoke wedding tuxes for pugs. Not only did her entire family miss her birthday, but now she has to sleep on the Crate and Barrel sectional she spent weeks deciding on with her decorator?
“I can’t believe it. They fucking forgot my birthday,” Sam sighs. Then she looks through the mail and realizes that the AARP sure didn’t.
The Seattle hipsters brought with them a foreign student named Long Duk Dong. Sam takes him to the anti-Trump march later that night and tells him, “I hope nobody yankies your wanky!” Later, Long Duk tweets from his @TheDonger account, “TFW your honky host is straight-up racist.”
At the march, Sam ogles Jake who’s waving a sign that says TINY HANDS HUGE ASSHOLE with his hot millennial hookup Karolina. Karolina is totally rocking her pink pussy hat, which makes Sam sad because it’s impossible for perimenopausal women to wear headgear without sweating to death.
Upset, Sam leaves the protest to cry in her Volvo. Farmer Ted finds her and captures it on Facebook Live. Then he asks for her Spanx to sell on eBay and she obliges. “I can’t believe I gave my Spanx to a geek,” she groans. “Now my FUPA will be totally visible through my Lululemon.”
Jake leaves the march with Karolina who’s throwing a pop-up hang at Jake’s ex-wife’s house while she’s out of town on a yoga retreat. After Jake becomes furious that Karolina’s friends don’t appreciate the ’80s on 8 channel on Sirius XM radio, he sends Sam a DM. Unfortunately, she doesn’t get it because her phone ran out of battery while she was tracking her teenage daughter’s trip to the frozen yogurt shop.
Hours later, Jake tries to make a deal with Farmer Ted: Sam’s Spanx in exchange for Jake’s hookup Karolina who is blackout drunk. Farmer Ted says, “Seriously, bro? Have you ever heard of a little thing called CONSENT? JFC it’s not 1986, you caveman,” and he drives Karolina to her mother’s house and doesn’t even charge her the Uber surge rate.
The next day is Sam’s daughter’s TEDx Talk about the struggle of white girl feminism, but she has her period and she’s also drugged up on whatever was in the vape sesh she just did with her friends, so the TEDx Talk is a disaster. After a moment of reflection, Sam’s family finally realizes they forgot her 50th birthday because they’ve been so distracted by the problems of Trump and social media. Sam doesn’t accept their apology, however, and says, “Whatever, losers. I bought my own present and it’s a trip to Paris by myself. Good luck trying to figure out how the dishwasher works.”
She bravely walks out of the TEDx talk only to see Jake Ryan waiting for her in the Porsche he leased after the divorce and now totally regrets because of the gas mileage and also he looks like a d-bag in it. He drives her to his apartment and presents her with a gluten and dairy-free birthday cake that is aflame with 50 candles. The moment before they throw it in the sink so the 50 candles don’t catch the curtains on fire, Jake smiles and tells Sam to make a wish.
Sam replies, "I’m 50 years old, motherfucker. I don’t have time for wishes.” Jake leans in for a kiss but she’s already on her way out the door to the airport.