You’re sick of it. No one listens to your safety demonstrations. Passengers prefer to play Candy Crush Saga rather than pay attention to how you’re going to save them in the event of an emergency. And what about those passengers who continuously bring on oversized carry-on? Like strollers! Strollers are not a carry-on. So, fuck it, don’t put up with that shit anymore. Call us, and FIGHT BACK. Hit Me Hit Me; Flight Attendant Fight School starting May ‘17. Get passengers to take you seriously NOW.
Bring it on! Hit me in the face!
Do passengers take up too much of your time? Do they ask inane questions? Are you sick of revenue passengers acting like they’re customers when they’re actually more like Guantanamo inmates? Well, it’s time to bring them back down to earth. Flight Attendant Fight School, May ’17 and June ’17. Filling fast! Learn mixed martial arts, hand-to-hand combat, and get a crash course in the black-arts of blindfolding, knuckle dusting, and water-boarding. Then see if they’ll put their folding tray in the upright position!
Fight the machine! Don’t you die without getting a few scars!
Sign up to our Flight Attendant Fight School Introductory Course and learn the 8 rules of Fight School:
#1: You do not stow baggage.
#2: You DO NOT stow shit-all baggage; they stow their own baggage. They are fuckheads and they stow their own fucking baggage!
#3: If a passenger says stop OR goes limp, you’ve won the fight, so drag their sorry ass off the aircraft. Stupid, thinks-they’re-a-customer, mouthing-off, son-of-bitch revenue passenger.
#4: Only two people to a fight; just you and a passenger (children under 5 may be accompanied by an adult). If you’re not sure how to punch-out a woman and her child then sign-up for Flight Fight Connex, August 2-3, 2017. Learn how to eject women and babies from a plane; haul their asses out onto the tarmac and let them stay in goddamn freezing Minneapolis. No sunshine for them. They happy now? Crying kids and screaming infants — put a fork in them, they’re done, they’re off the plane. We’re not babysitters.
#5: Only one fight at a time; if multiple passengers don’t have exact change then note them down one by one, and beat the shit out of them individually. Show support for you fellow Flight Attendant Fight School Graduates and kick passengers as they are dragged unconsciously down the aisles.
#6: No shirts, no shoes; fuck these condescending uniforms. Do not be dressed up like Little Lord Fauntleroy anymore.
#7: Fights will go on as long as they have to; fractured eye-sockets, stitches in your face! Learn to love the taste of blood. Whatever happens, don’t let the pilots intervene and stop your fight. Pilots have had too much power for too long. Smile at them, your teeth shining with blood. Fuck off, pilots! They sit around doing nothing anyway. The plane flies itself. The top ten Candy Crush high-scorers being pilots is no coincidence.
#8: If this is your first flight then you have to fight; look for that passenger that hasn’t fastened their seatbelt even though there might be unexpected turbulence — and then brain that son of bitch.
Flight Attendants are not glorified wait staff, it is time the world knows that it’s we who drink most of the horrendous coffee on airplanes. We are contractually obliged to eat the food as well. We keep the world safe. In the unlikely case of an emergency crash landing we infinitesimally increase a passengers chance of survival by turning on the strip lighting on the floor and by screaming, “Brace, brace, brace!” from our own rickety, folded-down-seats, braced position.
- Hit Me Hit Me; Flight Attendant Fight School: May, June and August ’17,
- Flight Attendant Fight School Introductory Course: May, June, July ’17,
- Fight Flight Connex August 2-3, 2017.
Filling fast! Call our operators.
Because there’s more to this job than people think; we are the ranch hands of the skies and sometimes you just need to beat the shit out of cows.