Hello, fellow entrepreneurs! Before we begin, I want to take an audience poll. Who here likes money? Raise your hand if you love money! Now, who here hates working for money? And who here wants to know how you can be filthy rich in just a few short months?

With the six easy steps in my patented program, Millionaire Magic in Months, you can make—you guessed it—a million dollars in—you guessed it—months! How, you ask? Simple economics. First, start working a shift or two each week at Jo’s Café. It’s easy and the pay is great. Let’s do the math. Ten dollars an hour times five hours a day times two days a week times four weeks a month for three whole months. Are you kidding me? That’s gotta be like ten grand right there. Boom. Cash. But my plan doesn’t end there—it’s time to move to step two. Step two, you ask? Simple. Take on more shifts at Jo’s. It never fails. More Jo’s shifts, more money in your pocket, bada-bling, bada-boom.

Step three: every other week, when your paycheck comes, cash it out and go straight to the racetrack. You pick a horse—any horse at all—and bet all of your money on it. All of it. If your horse wins, you’re a millionaire overnight, baby. But if you’re like me and you have terrible luck at the tracks, still no problem. Just head to the bar and drown your sorrows in booze.

But now you’re thinking, ‘wait a minute, how can I buy alcohol when I just bet away all my savings at the track?’ Well you probably shouldn’t have done that. But since you did, my plan has got you covered. Just take on a few more Jo’s shifts. Bada-bling! You can even go into debt for a little while if you need to. You’ll be able to work your way out of it.

All right, so you’ve worked two long months at Jo’s and squandered pretty much all your earnings at the track. But you’ve got a little bit left, and I’ll bet you can guess step four. That’s right, back to Tommy the bookie to bet it all on number 9. Your well-connected friend told you on the sly that he can’t lose. He lost? Fuck. You’re such a fucking idiot, how could you let this happen again? Don’t worry though. You’re okay. Just keep following the steps and we’ll get you out of this.

Step five. Uh oh, things are looking really bad. That bookie was way more serious than you thought, and now you owe the mob thousands of dollars. Plus now you need the money more than ever, to support your rampant gambling and alcohol addictions.

But hold on a second, what’s step six of my program? That’s right, you guys know where this is going. Step six: take out the mob boss. Think about it; they’ll never see it coming and this way you can wind up on top despite all of your fucking bad luck. Everyone will fear you, even respect you. It’s a bold move, but it’s all you’ve got at this point, and if you don’t do something drastic, you’re probably going to die. With the boss gone, you’ll be king of the streets, a big important guy, even… dare I say? A millionaire. Boom! Money! You’re rich, baby.