OK, Us, you’ve had your fun. Now you best pay attention. Those pictures you took crossed a lot of lines, and I, Giant Squid, want to set some ground rules if you ever want me to cooperate again. Giant Squid doesn’t have a lot of patience.
Not all of the pictures made Giant Squid mad. The first ones of me underwater, for example—those were all right. Nonintrusive, plenty of Japanese scientists on hand to make it legit. All in all, pretty understandable, pretty exciting even, considering that Giant Squid hadn’t ever been photographed in his natural environment before. Hell, I’ve been a giant squid my whole life, and even now sometimes just the fact that a creature like me exists is enough to make Giant Squid ink himself. For the sake of science, Giant Squid is glad you’re happy with those shots. Giant Squid saw some of them on Yahoo!‘s newswire, and he’s gotta say they turned out pretty well.
But now it’s gotten out of hand. Why did you have to take pictures of Giant Squid skiing in Switzerland with his children? Why? Was that really necessary? The kids don’t deserve this. They didn’t ask for their father to be a magnet for vulture paparazzi. You know that Giant Squid is divorced and that Sierra, Murmur, and Sol live with their mother. Giant Squid’s time with his kids is precious. The least you could do is respect that. Is it too much to ask that you don’t follow Giant Squid to Interlaken? No, it’s not.
What’s the deal, anyways? Do you honestly get a thrill out of this? “Ooh, look, Giant Squid takes out his garbage—he’s just like us!” “Ooh, there’s Giant Squid grappling 15 rolls of toilet paper with his tentacles at the grocery store—that’s what we do, too!” “Ooh, here’s a pic of the Architeuthis hanging out in the Christian Science reading room.” “Ooh, here’s a photo of Squid suctioning himself to a sunken Korean destroyer ship—he’s the same as everyone else!”
Big … friggin’ … deal.
Last week was the breaking point for Giant Squid. There you were, like, “Oh, hey, Squid’s gonna be hanging out at the Dodgers game tonight with his new girlfriend, Neve Campbell. Let’s go provoke him, la la la!” And suddenly there are like three Us photographers in our section, not even pretending to watch baseball. I was this close to going 20,000 Leagues on those assholes, and, just to warn you, Giant Squid can never predict when Giant Squid’s gonna just flip out on some dude. I’m the great enigma of the deep and even I don’t know half of what I do. Giant Squid is shrouded in mystery, y’all.
So, to summarize, here’s how it’s going to work from now on. When the kraken is in New York, will pictures of him eating sushi at Masa with his lady companion Neve Campbell show up in Us Weekly? No, they will not. Giant Squid says that the madness stops … right here, right now. You will consult Giant Squid about all future photos. Else you might find one of your fancy cameras in my beak. Giant Squid ain’t lying.