It took some doing, Batman, but we’ve finally developed a mask we think you can live with. It’s black, of course, and can take stabs and shotgun blasts, as long as they’re not using slugs. It won’t stop a sniper’s bullet, but neither will your mouth, and that’s all you’ve been using so far. Plus, you’re Batman; stopping people from shooting you in the face is what you’re famous for.
Look, we get it, your lips are a big part of what you do and who you are. When you’re silent, they speak. They’re sexy too, and it’s a shame to cover them, but we’re all making sacrifices. And it’s not as if you don’t have other great features. Have you seen your body?
We’d like you to watch this video. We’ve taught an actor to say “I’m Batman” in the same impressive way you like to say it, essentially a communicative cough, which speaks volumes, by the way. We’re huge fans.
You’ll notice that without a mask, moisture particles from your famous statement travel up to twelve feet, easily reaching the faces of downwind criminals.
With the new mask’s help, however, droplets travel only eight inches, though you’ll still have to be careful. We’ve heard that when you introduce yourself to criminals, holding them dangling over the edges of buildings, a scare-tactic we love, you hold their faces six inches from your own. Sometimes even three inches. This is arguably very close. If you could wear the mask and hold criminals nine inches from your face, even ten, that would be impressive! Only the strongest people in the world could pull off that kind of distancing. Imagine when word gets around: “Look out, Gotham. Batman’s shoulders are way stronger than we thought!”
As an aside, do you have to say “I’m Batman” to every criminal you meet? Most of them know who you are. We have a hunch that they all know. Try this: if a criminal doesn’t ask, “Who are you?” then don’t say, “I’m Batman.” Just see what happens. We’re guessing no one’s going to mistake you for someone else. You’re recognizable, almost to a fault. We stress “almost,” because you, The Dark Knight, are faultless.
You hate criminal activity, right? Sorry, stupid question, but did you know viruses are like criminals that live in your body? This is hard to prove because they’re small and hard to see, but you’re also hard to see, and are you real? Batman, you’re three times as real as anyone we’ve ever met. So, please consider the reality of viruses.
Listen, this isn’t us telling you how to do your job, and we’re not asking you to leave. Are you kidding? We couldn’t deal with Jokers and Catwomen and Penguins without you. Forget about it. We’re not even sure these psychos would be here without you. See? You’ve made Gotham a very creative place! But it’s nothing you can’t handle. You’re dangerous, and we’re grateful.
The trouble is, with COVID-19 in town, you’re dangerous to more than criminals. Check out this chart. In areas of heavy Batman activity, “Bat-tivity” as you call it, the number of COVID cases spikes. We’re not suggesting that you’re sick. That’s impossible. It’s just that somehow, wherever you go with your uncovered mouth and your cowl’s nostril-holes, good citizens are getting sick, to the point that the Gotham Gazette has started calling us “Cougham City.”
Remember when Arkham Asylum used to be filled with maniacal laughter? Guess what it’s filled with now? At-risk patients. The Joker, after his dip in acid, is one of these patients, and since you dipped him (great move, by the way), isn’t he kind of your responsibility? All we’re saying is, we love that you’re the judge and jury. We’re just not sure you want to be the executioner.
Also, do you live with people? We suspect not, but still, it’s an important question. If you do, please think about your loved ones. Are any of them 65 years or older? If so, an N95 on your face would be a love letter to them, a love letter that’s like you: beautiful and bulletproof and good at stopping even the smallest, most invisible criminals.
Listen, if you’re worried about looking weak in a mask, consider Bane. He’s a killer and we hate his guts, but he’s got the right idea about COVID-19 and no one thinks of him as weak. That guy wears a mask and breaks people’s backs. Not your back, of course. We believe you: you kicked so hard that time, you broke your own back.
Also, since when does the Caped Crusader care what people think? Anyone who wears that much eye makeup couldn’t care less what people think.
And, Batman, don’t take this the wrong way, but Bane isn’t alone. Many villains are doing their best to fight the pandemic.
Check it out:
- Scarecrow: mask
- Jason Todd: mask
- David Cain: mask
- Deathstroke: mask
- Deadshot: mask
- Killer Moth: mask
- Court of Owls: masks all around
- KGBeast: mask
- Ratcatcher: mask
- Lock-Up: mask
- Phantasm: mask
- Monk: mask
- Firebug: mask
- Firefly: mask
- Fright: mask
- Black Mask: mask!
- Mr. Freeze: full helmet!!!
If these losers can wear masks and kick butt at work, imagine all the butt you could kick. You’d kick it all. There’d be no butt left to kick.
Lastly, no one’s blaming you. You’re not responsible for all bats. The sick ones are weak and filthy. You’re not. They never wear masks, but you could.
Batman, be the hero Gotham deserves, the hero we need right now.
All this to say, we love you. You’re God to us.
Wear the mask?