“The sports bill, passed by one [Missouri] House committee last week and awaiting a vote in another, proposes a constitutional amendment requiring students to play sports on teams based on their sex assigned at birth.”
Kansas City Star, 3/15/21

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Guys, I know you’ve heard rumors around school, and I’m sure you noticed that I wasn’t at basketball tryouts, and I wanted to make sure you heard what’s going on from the source. You’ve gotta promise you won’t breathe a word of this to anyone.

I’m transitioning.

No! Not like that. I see why you’d be confused, though. I’m transitioning so I can join the girls’ basketball team and win everything. Yeah, it’s a totally normal thing for a normal straight guy with no gender dysphoria like me to do, that’s for sure!

So the reason you haven’t seen me at practice is because I haven’t been able to make the girls’ team yet. Hormone therapy really fucks up your lung capacity, as it turns out, and just picking up my gym bag feels like torture these days, much less hitting layups. I — yeah, Darryl, of course I’m on hormone therapy. How am I supposed to cheat at girls’ sports if I don’t have the same hormone balance as a girl? A typical cis girl, anyway. Did you know a lot of cis girls have elevated testosterone? Mine’s actually lower than most of theirs at this point.

A little off-topic, Kevin, but good catch! Yep, my face shape is starting to change a little. I think it’s mostly fat redistribution on my cheeks, but there’s some edge-case stuff in the literature about people’s eyes getting less hooded, and I think I’m starting to see it. I think my jawline’s getting softer, too.

It’s crazy. I started crying yesterday when I looked in the mirror. I mean full-on sobbing. It’s hard to express. I finally look… I look like me. By which I mean that I look like a boy who’s 100% just transitioning to unfairly be good at sports in the wrong gender.

Good question, Josh. Yeah, this does mean that I’m growing boobs. God, do they ever hurt! It’s like fire arts crawled inside my nipples. They’re still small, but I can fill out a top a lot better than I used to, and there’s a lot more room to grow out from here. I’m sure this will have several competitive advantages.

Hmm. Okay, for those of you who couldn’t hear, Patrick just asked why anyone would want to give up their spot on the boys’ varsity basketball team, permanently change their body, alienate themself from all their male peers, and face a lifetime of discrimination just to get horribly vilified in conservative media on the off-chance they make JV girls’ team. I don’t know what to tell you, Pat. To cheat at girl’s sports, obviously.

Ew. No, Jeremy, of course I don’t get turned on by my own boobs. That’s disgusting. And, like, I can’t get turned on by anything anymore — the hormone therapy kind of killed my sex drive. It’s funny, I thought that would be what’d turn me off HRT, but I don’t miss it at all now that it’s gone.

Because I’m so focused on winning is why I don’t miss it, Jeremy! Goddamn, you people have no respect for the pain and struggle of a teenager transitioning to female for no other reason than to cheat at basketball.

That’s a good question, Jeff. I mean, if I succeed at my plan and cheat at girls’ sports, I’ll get recruited to cheat at sports on a women’s team in college, and then after that I’ll have lived as a woman for like six years and it’d just be confusing to change back, right? So, yeah, I don’t know if I’m gonna transition back at any point. Plus, like, girls just make more sense. Being around them just feels so natural. Do you guys not feel that? No? Okay. Just me then. It’s a normal thing for a boy like me to feel (I’m a boy).

Right, yeah, name stuff. I was thinking about Zoë or Jessica at first, but I’m going with Eleanor. It was my grandmother’s name, and she was so strong and brave and beautiful during the few years I got to know her. The legal name change should be coming through around — yes, Derek, I’m changing my name legally. How am I supposed to cheat at girls’ sports if my legal name doesn’t match my presentation?

Christ. You guys, I’m not fucking gay, okay? I am just a heterosexual normal boy who likes being a boy and is medically, legally, and socially transitioning to female in order to cheat at girls’ sports. I don’t get what’s so hard to understand.

Anyway. Thank you for understanding, and if this goes well, I’ll see you all at tournaments and stuff from the other side, hanging out on the bleachers with other girls and being seen as a girl by them and finally feeling the dissociation I’ve suffered for my whole life lift away. I’m definitely still a boy!