“A Georgia sheriff’s commander was widely criticized Wednesday after he seemed to provide an excuse for the man arrested in the shooting deaths of eight people at three massage spas near Atlanta… ‘yesterday was a really bad day for him and this is what he did,’ Baker said during the joint news conference with the Atlanta Police Department.” — Huffington Post 3/17/21

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[Appallingly high number] are dead and [equally appallingly high number] are injured after [16-65]-year-old [generic white guy name] committed [atrocious racially motivated crime] in [place where people of color and/or Jews were minding their own business].

After locating [generic white guy name], authorities were able to [method of arrest absurdly peaceful compared to how they arrest Black suspects] before taking him into police custody. He is being held at [name of indigenous people who were forcefully removed from the area] County jail, with bail set at [ridiculously low dollar amount that a group of white supremacists will easily raise on GoFundMe in a couple of hours].

The local sheriff just outside [American city where Black people have been shot by police for pulling a cell phone out of their pocket] gave a press conference where he cited [feeble excuse nobody in American history has ever used to justify a person of color committing a crime] as the reason for [generic white guy name]’s actions. He then added that he did not believe the [atrocious racially motivated crime] was racially motivated.

When questioned by authorities, [generic white guy name] clarified that his actions were motivated by [manifestation of deep-seated misogyny and creepy views about sex] brought on by his faith in [religion that has a long history of justifying those views] rather than [deep-seated racism also historically justified by that religion]. The argument by [generic white guy name] that committing [act of white supremacist violence] was somehow more justifiable if it was an expression of [one of America’s primary evils] rather than [one of America’s other primary evils] was further proof that [violent act that treated women of color as nothing more than sexual property] was undoubtedly an expression of [any synonym for “both,” “all of the above,” etc.]

Neighbors have described [generic white guy name] as [another word for “quiet”], and [list of glowing attributes that make you seriously question their judgment] who they could not have imagined would be capable of [atrocious racially and/or sexually motivated crime people with his exact profile commit at alarming rates].

A photo of the suspect, [generic white guy name], is below:

[Photo that makes you think, “How the hell was this guy not already on a government watch list?”]

A spokesperson for [organization representing the ethnic group that was targeted] issued a statement saying [polite way of saying, “Again? Are you kidding me with this bullshit?”] and calling attention to the fact that [atrocious racially and/or sexually motivated crime] has been happening to [ethnic group] at increasingly high rates ever since [incident that had nothing to do with that ethnic group] was used by [prominent racist politician] as an excuse to [act of political malfeasance] in order to blame their [craven moral failing] on [ethnic group].

[Gun control advocacy group formed after a similar incident happened not long ago] is calling for [sensible legislation that exists in almost every other country on Earth] while [organization funded by large amounts of Republican shadow money] is calling for [totally ass-backwards solution that will be repeated ad nauseam on Fox News for the next couple of days].

Governor of [state with at least one Waffle House] thanked [police department that should be under a federal consent decree] for doing [literally their job], and offered [vague expression of sympathy] to the victims and their families while condemning [atrocious racially and/or sexually motivated crime]. Meanwhile, Governor [person who won their election thanks to rampant voter suppression] was simultaneously supporting the ongoing attempt to pass [legislation that would make it harder for millions of people of color to vote], thereby ensuring that [atrocious racially and/or sexually motivated crime] is likely to continue happening until [whatever year the climate apocalypse finally kills us all].

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See also:
Editorial Template For Every Time
a Grand Jury Acquits a Police Officer