He defies convention — somehow, he is both a male and someone who doesn’t like rugby, polo shirts, Vespas, steroids, talking over people, or the color blue. (You don’t want to be a Tomgirl. Nobody will ever want to date or hire you. Everybody knows this.)
Daddy’s Little Prince
His parents’ goal is that he’ll settle down with a woman who can support him financially. The woman will not propose until after she has sowed every single one of her wild oats; meanwhile, he will wait, indulging only in self-bettering activities such as watching reruns of The West Wing, completing national park-themed jigsaw puzzles, and consuming Spirulina. His parents caution him not to live with the woman before marriage, because you know what they say about buying the cow when you can get the milk for free. (He is the cow.)
After entering into society as a Dude-utante, he was crowned Mr. Oregon three years in a row. He crushed every competition category, including Interview, Wetsuit, and Evening Flannel. He once burped the entire Bill of Rights and the cause closest to his heart is saving the turtles.
Everyone gossips about how he gives his body freely for women’s pleasure. Does he have no self-respect? If he and his partner discover they have gonorrhea, then it is definitely his fault because she has natural biological urges; he is just a slut.
He wants everything to be perfect on his special day (this IS the day he finally loses his virginity!), and as a result, he goes crazy. He is bossy. He is fussy. Why is he showing so much emotion? His virginity is the ultimate gift he can give his wife (again, it’s cool if she has had sex before; totally fine). He wears a white tux at his wedding to symbolize his purity, goodness, and his innocent desire for marshmallows. When the time comes, he leans in and kisses his new bride on the left nostril because he is so delightfully inexperienced.
Some say he’s a bit of a bimbo, a bit of a gold-digger, and a bit of a flirt. He spends all of his wife’s paycheck shopping for cufflinks that won’t clash with the caviar. He is high-maintenance, but he’s worth it. He is never described by his personality.
He expects equal pay, which is confusing because he is a man. (It is common knowledge that men should make less because they spend half of their working hours going on shopping sprees in their minds.) Also known as a Career Man, he is selfish and unnatural because he puts his career before starting a family. When he eventually feels professionally and spiritually stable enough to settle down and conceive, the doctor obsessively mentions his geriatric sperm. He is 35.
He chauffeurs their five children (“I want a whole basketball team!” she decided years ago) across the city for dental cleanings, Taekwondo classes, tuba lessons, and earwax removal appointments for the twins. But he’s a Stay-at-Home-Dad, so he does all of this without ever setting foot outside the home. He really misses the scent of pine, the feel of wind, and having friends outside of his online Fantasy Football league. He imagines that having friends in 3D would be delightful.
His latest post reflected on his toddler’s first phrase, “Ban fossil fuels.” Well, it was either that or “Man, possums rule,” but the first made a killer thesis. It also really united the “Parents of Infant Activists” community that stemmed from the 501©(3) he co-founded with his prodigal child last year. His entrepreneurship/writing/first-of-its-kind Pulitzer is so adorable, his wife says. It is so precious and cute and sweet.
Since he is not married, everyone pities him and whispers that he must be growing penile cobwebs. Cat Man does not own a cat. (He’s actually highly allergic.)
He’s the archetypal Hero.
Male Scientist/ Athlete/ Engineer/ Mathematician/
Doctor/ Firefighter/ Boss/ CEO/ President
In the rare cases that a man is able to break the pink-tinted glass ceiling and therefore does not align with one of the aforementioned archetypes, his title must NEVER be mentioned without the word “male.”