I’m looking for a new apartment, and I figured I should start close to home. I don’t know if any of you know of apartments in your buildings that might be freeing up, but if you do, my life coach suggested I sketch out what I’m looking for and you can see if it’s a fit. Mike, your place is a real shit hole, so you don’t even need to bother reading on.
- I love our city’s diversity! And I’d love to embrace that diversity, on weekends only, while it’s daylight outside.
- I’m only open to apartments in Chelsea or the Village.
- The apartment should be within 500 feet of at least three organic coffee shops.
- These coffee shops should also be available on Seamless.
- I would like to be close enough that I can walk to a drum circle, but far enough away that the noise from the circle will not interfere with the harmonies from my Nepalese wind chimes.
- The building needs to be as open to pets as I am.
- Only pets adopted from no-kill shelters, fed organic pet food, and clothed in locally made bamboo/palm fabrics should be allowed. No cats.
- I would like WiFi to be pre-installed, so I can stream Gregorian chants while my boyfriend unpacks for me.
- Buildings with doormen are preferred, both due to safety concerns, and also so each day someone greets me with a smile, like my mother always did. But I would prefer the doorman not mention what a disappointment I am, like my mother always did.
- I am willing to substitute like amenities for one another. For example, if there are in-building laundry facilities, I am fine not having a gym. And if there is a communal steam room, I am fine not having a eucalyptus-infused meditation room.
- On second thought, the meditation room is non-negotiable.
- I’m fine with either a studio or a 2-bedroom with another roommate.
- Both bedrooms would be for me, but the roommate would be entitled to either one of the closets, or the window seat of the breakfast nook on alternate Tuesdays.
- I am open-minded and therefore am fine with a roommate who has a police record, including white collar crimes, possession crimes, or any crime that I can bring up in my slam-poetry group as highlighting the systematic unfairness of the criminal justice system.
- My roommate must be willing to use color-coded chart for chores, bill payments, and bathroom schedule. Must provide own highlighters.
- The snack cabinet is strictly off limits.
- I would like a group of fun-loving, quirky neighbors who remind me of the cast of the Mindy Project.
- I would like to live on the top floor and never have to interact with them.
That should do it! Friends, co-workers, fellow disciples of my ashram on Broadway and West 3rd, I am really hoping you can come through for me. New York has crushed my dreams enough already.