I hath made a good faith effort to engage ye Boston matronesses! Yet I am severely disappointed in your behaviour this evening. We are not gathered to gossip. On the contrary! I invited you here so that I may impart upon ye the delicate beauty of at-home nail decals. Thy behaviour hath been churlish and distracts from the important matter that I endeavour to address.

Now, Mistress Hildersham, when I attempted to lead the “Who is the Girliest Girl?” game, as I am beholden to play by my nail art sales team leader, thou refused to provide testimonial by way of cataloguing the contents of your purse to attest to your girliest girlness. Instead, you began to name various men of Massachusetts—some of them the husbands of the women I have invited here tonight—such that you might ascertain whom Pearl calls father. I can assure you, your guesses are not shrewd, and you will not determine dear Pearl’s earthly father in such a manner. Your conduct rankles and we all would have preferred that you had concentrated on the game.

Later, when I spake of determining your signature style, be it classic, trendy, or animal instinct, you, Goodwife Whitaker, would not! Having cast off all pretense of answering my inquiry as to whether you prefer the fashion of a Queen Elizabeth or an Anne Bradstreet, thou instead sayest the line from Leviticus with which I assume we have all grown weary, that “the adulteress shall surely be put to death.” Though you deem me a hussy, I have made my peace with Him and can only hope that He will forgive me my transgressions and discern me in my true character. At the very least, I hope His judgment stalls until I have finished describing how, with my easy-to-use nail wraps, thou shalt never feel boring again. I have named my nail art business “Nailing for the Lord,” an allusion which we can surely agree is in accordance with many pieces of scripture. Take that as testament of my faith and devotion.

Now, I would prefer to return to the matter at hand. Your nails are blank slates. This stark nudity must be remedied. I daresay you mayest cover up thy nails with these delightful at-home decals—there are more than 300 styles to choose from! O, Mistress Phelps! I often hear the other women deem your complexion sallow as a corpse. Thus, you might choose from the cool color wraps, the “Cloudy Sky,” or “Winter Wonderland,” perhaps. And, look at me! I am perpetually marred by this scarlet letter! I must choose warm hues to prevent a clash, something like “Currant Sparkle” in matte or glimmer. But the true glory of these nail wraps is that they are not so deeply branded upon your fingertips as this token is upon my chest. In fact, you can remove each decal with but a drop of alcohol!

I beseech ye to consider how the splendour of these nail wraps will brighten your days. Thou knowest that I raise dear Pearl alone. Her father—who shall remain nameless!—contributes not. I implore you for beneficence—please bring some commission into our home by adorning thine own nails today. Might I suggest starting with a delightful “Unicorn Rainbow Explosion” wrap? It’s the Christian thing to do!