1. First of all, you don’t need to move to Hollywood to get a writing job. There are plenty of things to write for here in our suburban New Jersey town of six thousand people. See if your cousin Kevin needs a writer for his landscaping business!
2. Fine, move across the country. But don’t come crying to us when you die in a wildfire because one of the Kardashians threw a lit joint out the window of their limo on Route 101.
3. Start applying to TV jobs! Check Indeed.com. In the search bar where it says “Job Title” just write Grey’s Anatomy.
4. If that doesn’t work, print out your résumé and walk down Hollywood Blvd. Maybe you’ll catch Jimmy Conan on his lunch break! If not, leave a stack on his star on the Walk of Fame.
5. Just start knocking on doors. Go to the tallest building in Beverly Hills and ask to speak to the president of television. Tell her about that time you won a playwriting contest in high school. That was a big deal! They printed your name in the paper and everything. Wait! I still have that! I’ll mail it to you so you can show her.
6. To make money in the meantime, get a job as a waitress. Who knows, Tom Hanks could be seated at your table and you could mention you’re looking for work. Plus, I bet he tips well. He seems like a nice man.
7. Wait, what’s Netflix again? Is it like HBO? Do that! And while you’re there, ask them how to reset the password.
8. It’s really more about who you know, you know? And you know David Finkelstein, your aunt’s best friend’s son who sold a pilot once. Or, wait, maybe he is a pilot. I’ll ask my sister.
9. Actually! That woman from your father’s office once saw one of the Sopranos people at the airport. I’ll see if they’re still in touch.
10. Start small. Work in a mailroom! You know, mail, a thing people still send.
11. Why don’t you write one of your tweets on a piece of paper and staple it to a telephone pole? You gotta get your name out there! Tom Hanks might see it and he’s such a good guy.
12. Can you write for YouTube?
13. Just email CBS and tell them you’ll take anything. There are some bad shows on air. I mean, real garbage. That could be perfect for you!
14. You should start your own show! Remember when you and your sisters used to do those gymnastic routines in the living room? You’re so creative.
15. I don’t know what to tell you. This is why we said you should’ve been a teacher.
16. Hey, you can always come home. I checked and David is a pilot after all—I’ll see if you can fly standby. Maybe on the plane you’ll sit next to Tom Hanks!