Dear Parents of J-Dawg,

I am in receipt of your letter of April 8, 2002, asking me to quit calling your son “Stud.” I haven’t, in the past, or seeable future called your son, “Stud.” I don’t use terms like that. I’d give out a smackdown to anyone who throws around swears, cusses, or sexual implications on my ballfield. Because why? Because I am aware of responsibilities. Why else? Because I am an accomplished coach. And why else? Because I know what it means to be a coach saddled with a coach’s responsibilities. Like, I know that the city owns the ballfield, right? But, I take SOOO much responsibility for the boys and the town and for positive goodness that I regard the ball field as mine when my squad is working on a game or practice situation. The ball field is in my domain. Also, my domain is on the ball field.

Anyway, I probably called Jason “dude.” Which is a good term. Not as upbeat as “mini-pro” or “slugger.” The wind is loud in the spring and it has a tendency to manipulate sounds out of adults or children’s mouths. Then people hear things, like Mooper Swartz thought I called his son Randy a friggin’ cocksucker, end quote. Just because he missed a pop-up against the Arby’s Rams. By missing the pop-up and sending us into extra innings is why, as you might recall, I signaled your J-Dawg to hurl a fastball at Timmy Jericho’s head. Otherwise we would have been captured, cooked, and eaten, this at the hands of a team of utter cream-tasters and tulip-touchers. See, missing a pop-up causes danger for all the kids. So, I called to Randy Watch that sucker!! end quote, meaning the sucker = baseball, which just landed and gave up two runs, sending us into extra innings and sending me headlong into a long night alone with nothing to help me but Maalox and the George Michael SportsMachine. How does someone hear something bad? Especially when they claim to have never used a disgusting phrase themselves? Sheesh.

I can be, it is true, somewhat aggressible about baseball, but less than Bobby Knight and his tactics of coaching basketball for the Hoosiers, okay? I don’t apologize for being MY way. Because when a history book is written, there is no section for LOSERS. But, I will never throw heavy stuff or swear, and I will monitor the boys’ habits and deter them from the chewing of tobacco and crack down on their illegal abscondation of all tobacco products. Why? Because I signed a contract with HALLB, and because I am the good guy who has been known to participate in conversations with our lord and saver Jesus Christ on every single Sunday I don’t have something else going on.

The bottom line is this: YOU can count on me!

Warm wishes,

Coach Sean.