Look, I know we’re all used to the “women and children” trope, but come on. It’s 2014! You can’t honestly believe that I’m undeserving of the first lifeboat, right?

Listen, let me educate you people. Any of you assholes ever heard of the “KIA Soul”? Dancing hamsters ring a bell? I brought the funky fresh flavors of hip hop together with the magic of CGI hamsters. And what did you get in return? Oh, I don’t know. A commercial that lives in your hearts and minds forever, free of charge. That’s the kind of genius you’re trying to throw away right here.

You’re welcome, by the way. I know at least a few of you shared that on Facebook. I know it’s true. I’ve seen the metrics.

Meanwhile, what have all you done? You, Doctor Fucknuts, what’s your story? Lead heart surgeon at St. Jude’s Children’s Hospital? Boo fucking hoo. What’s your Klout score? Don’t bother answering that. I’m a 67. That’s in the top 5% of all users. That alone should buy me a seat on the lifeboat. I’d be surprised if you broke a 2. I don’t even want to know if a score that low is possible.

I’m a Clio award nominee, goddammit!

Has anyone here ever heard of the Chevy Verde? Of course you haven’t. We aren’t releasing the ads until Q3. You wanna know what you’ll be missing out on? Breakdancing babies. You like that? Yeah? How about this—we’re getting Ice-T and Tone Loc to voice them. We even have a cat as the DJ. You leave me here to sink and that’s an ad you’ll never see. Is that a world you want to live in? Is it??

I have fist-bumped Cuba Gooding Jr. It was my idea for the Golden Retriever from the Arby’s ad to say “Whatchu talkin’ bout Willis?” I’m responsible for getting the Beatles to allow “Blackbird” to be used in a commercial for Raisin Bran Crunch. Laura Bush told Katie Couric that the Kyocera commercial where Eugene Levy raps with LL Cool J was her favorite commercial of Super Bowl XLII. That was my idea. Mine! You think Eugene Levy comes cheap? No! He works for me! ME!

I live, breathe, and eat synergy! I am synergy!

Let’s be honest—whoever gets off this boat is going to be a media darling for the next four to six weeks. We’re talking interviews with the New York Times, Anderson Cooper, and even the big poppa himself, Piers-fucking-Morgan. Quick show of hands—any of you media trained? No? Didn’t think so.

I know it’s a hard pill to swallow, but think of it this way—the survivor of this boat gets to control the conversation about what happened. We send little Johnny over here and we get a few quick cutesy clips and boom, this is nothing but fodder for that douche Matt Lauer and all the other morning show idiots. I’m thinking prime time, baby. 8 to 10 PM, Monday through Thursday, Male demo 18-35. Caucasian. The sweet spot. And you know what? I test very well with that group. I am that group. All you have to do is trade your life for mine, and I’ll guarantee you journalistic immortality. Wikipedia pages, musical tributes at awards shows, a tearful Michelle Obama promising boat hull reform—the works. All because of you. How do you like that ROI?

Ask yourself—why do you think you’re here in the first place? I know you all saw the commercial for this cruise line where Jason Alexander steps out of a hot tub, looks at the camera, and says, “No shrinkage, guaranteed” with a wink. Guys, I wrote that. I know how to make people say “yes.” It’s what I do. Now, let me go. Let me make you immortal!