(In alphabetical order.)
Doug (Safety Doug)
This list is page one of my report.
1 Yes, all of them are white.
2 His nickname is “Mufasa” because he’s always lying. I don’t think he’s aware of this nickname.
3 His name is actually Dan, but my mind thinks of him as Brad for some reason.
4 He responds well to candy. He had a root canal at the same time as his dog.
5 He was the supervisor who hired me. He called me at 10 PM two weeks after I started to tell me he quit. He was vacationing with his family at Harry Potter World at the time.
6 He keeps a 20-oz. Mountain Dew bottle on his desk that he uses as a spittoon.
7 He has a candy dish. It’s filled with loose Twizzlers and candy cigarettes.
8 He gives a countdown to winter at each meeting as if it’s a death clock.
9 The Big Boss, he’s a secret yeller — only when I’m alone with him in his office. He likes to use military metaphors and looks remarkably like Tik Tok from Return to Oz.
10 A self-professed ally, he accidentally emailed me a painting of a puppet orgy. It was very graphic.
11 It’s a long story.
12 Yes, all but one identify as white.
13 She said she likes reporting on what people say so she can say the words. Said the n-word in our first meeting. She has since taken another job.
14 She’s a hugger.
15 Has a pipe bomb on her desk.
16 The only name Word identified as misspelled. The only one on the list who doesn’t identify as white.
17 She has also taken another job.