Bobby! Bobby! Now just keep your eye on the ball, OK? I need you to let me know what you’re looking for, OK, Bobby? I’m always open, metaphorically speaking. The door to my office is always open to help you with anything you need. You wanna talk? Talk … right now? OK. Time-out!

What are you looking for out there, Bobby? What are your interests when you’re stepping into the batter’s box? The first thing we need to do is a little research. We can look at some options that you would best be suited for. No, of course it doesn’t matter if your batting average is .012. It’s still important to get out there and try to make some connections … with the ball.

Our best bet is for you to bring a résumé and a cover letter back to me in a few days. I’ll look it over and make some suggestions about your font size, and about your choices regarding bold and italicized words. This is going to give us something to work with concerning your batting stance. After that, write a letter to everyone you know who may know what the sport of baseball is. Who knows? Something might turn up. Great story: A student was in here last year and now he’s playing centerfield for the Raccoons, who placed second in their league last year. Anyway, after you write these initial letters, it would be a great idea to write a few more letters to people you don’t know but who you do know are really into baseball. These letters should include general information about yourself and what you are seeking from them. Who knows? This might turn a few stones over. If time permits, you can write a few professional baseball players, just to get your name out there. And, just as a general rule, talk to as many people as you can. See what is out there. You’d be amazed at how many of these things turn up just through informal meetings.

Come back to me when you start to get some feedback and I’ll tell you how not to say the words “fuck” or “boobs” in any meetings that might get set up.

Also, you’ll want to include a writing sample in each letter. Of course, make sure there are no errors (no pun intended).

Now get back out there. It’s the bottom of the ninth and we’re getting our asses kicked.