TO: Citizens
FROM: The Patriarchy
SUBJECT: Menstruation- Important!!!

We do everything we can to make life easier for cisgender straight white men. Unfortunately, menstruation continues to wreak havoc on our most valued population. This memo is a reminder that their periods need to be treated with the utmost care and respect.

No one should cook, clean, or perform other household tasks while menstruating.
Ideally, the cishet white men in your life are not responsible for household chores at any point in their busy schedules—not their job. But for the love of all that is holy, do not suggest they do housework while they’re bleeding. It’s unfair to demand so much from them at such a trying time. Do you honestly expect him to carry a laundry basket up the stairs while a war is being waged inside his body? Check your privilege.

Menstruators should receive the following items from the government every month:

  • One bottle of extra strength pain reliever (choice of Advil, Aleve, Motrin, or Tylenol)
  • One box of twenty-five pads (small, medium, large, and overnight combo pack)
  • One box of twenty-five tampons (light, regular, super, and super plus combo pack)
  • Five pairs of period underwear
  • One large bag of chocolate (choice of Hershey’s Kisses or Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups—others available upon request)

NOTE: Preferences for pain relievers, supplies, and chocolate can be submitted and updated at Questions or concerns? Visit and a 24-7 service representative will be happy to assist.

Supplies are also available at participating stores.
It’s easy to forget essential items at home. Boys will be boys. Free supplies can be found at Walgreens, Rite Aid, CVS, Target, Kroger, Wegmans, Publix, Aldi, Whole Foods, Dollar General, Dollar Tree, Family Dollar, Walmart, Dick’s Sporting Goods, Cabela’s, and the three remaining Kmarts.

Period products are also accessible in public restrooms. Speaking of which, we plan to increase the number of public toilets immediately. What if a tampon needs to be changed on a long hike? Or a cross-country road trip? Men shouldn’t have to waddle around at the beach like babies needing a diaper change.

Menstruators are encouraged to take the week off from work (with pay) while menstruating.
Do you know what it’s like to empty a filled-to-the-brim menstrual cup in an office bathroom while a queue forms outside the door and an impatient jerk vigorously jiggles the handle? No, you don’t, so shut the hell up. If someone decides to work during menstruation (incredible), they will be paid time and a half. Their heroism must not go unnoticed.

When a man complains to you about the pain associated with his cycle, listen to him.
Validate his feelings. Give him a back rub (with his consent). Provide him with fuzzy socks, a soft blanket, and his favorite beverage. Remember that it is a hate crime to say any of the following things to a straight cis white man who is menstruating:

  • “You’re so dramatic.”
  • “Are you PMSing?”
  • “Suck it up.”
  • “It can’t be that bad.”
  • “What’s your problem?”
  • “Calm down.”
  • “Just stick a plug up there and get in the hot tub!”

Additional Considerations:

  • Men should be forgiven for anything they say during their period. We don’t care if he made a snide comment about your gray hair. We don’t care if he said he doesn’t actually like your mom. We don’t care if he got your middle name wrong. Maybe you should change your middle name.
  • Some menstruators might want to have sex while menstruating. This isn’t gross at all. It’s actually beautiful. Practice gratitude for this amazing opportunity if it’s presented to you.
  • Free bleeding is the act of bleeding without blocking the menstrual flow. If he wants to free bleed, celebrate it! His body, his choice.

We hope this letter reinforces that we care about cishet white men above anyone else. Stay tuned for additional guidance regarding their pregnancy in the coming weeks.

— The Patriarchy