Vasectomy: The week before surgery

  • Avoid aspirin products for a minimum of forty-eight hours prior to your procedure.
  • Make sure you talk to your doctor about any other medications you may be taking.
  • If you wish, you can obtain a prescription for a mild oral anti-anxiety medication before the procedure.

Birth: The nine months before labor

  • Avoid all medicines and enjoyable foods.
  • Make sure you listen to the copious amounts of unasked-for advice and steel yourself from the dirty looks you will get in line at the coffee shop. Feel guilty every time you eat a hamburger instead of poached salmon. Also, every time you eat salmon, too, because of the mercury.
  • If you wish, you can google things that are making you anxious, which will, of course, at minimum, treble your feelings of anxiety. Also, being anxious is bad for the baby.

Vasectomy: The day of surgery

  • Wear comfortable clothing. Shower before leaving home. You may bring headphones and music if you prefer.
  • A supportive undergarment will be placed on you following the procedure.
  • As a standard precaution, you should arrange for someone to drive you to and from the hospital.
  • The vasectomy will be done using a local anesthetic. Obviously, I mean we are cutting into the most sensitive region of your body, can you imagine?!
  • You may trim your scrotal hair before the procedure, or this can be done in the office at your appointment.

Birth: The day of labor

  • Wear comfortable clothing. You will have to take it off and be put into an anonymous smock god knows how many other women before you have stained with various effluvia as they, too, howled gutturally into the void as they bore life forth. You may bring headphones and music if you prefer.
  • Both you and your baby will wear similar undergarments after the surgery.
  • As a standard precaution, you should figure out how to install a car seat that the internet tells you you are definitely installing incorrectly. No one will confirm if you have done this correctly, and the fire station you call to ask about it will mock you for calling.
  • You will be offered an anesthetic; however, the classes you took to prepare you for labor will make you feel like a weak, unwomanly failure if you accept it. Wanting NOT to feel searing pain that makes you retch and writhe in agony after you have been up for over twenty-four hours, can you imagine?!
  • You will feel really weird about whatever your pubic hair situation is: Too much? Not enough? Who knows? Everyone except you.

Vasectomy: Post-Operative Instructions

  • Apply ice packs intermittently to the scrotum the night of your vasectomy and as much as possible the following day.
  • A small amount of blood on the gauze pads is typical. Tell your doctor if you have excessive bleeding.
  • You may shower twenty-four hours after the procedure. Afterward, keep the area of the incision clean and dry.
  • Take it easy—doctor’s orders! Sit on the couch ALL WEEKEND and watch sports.
  • As we said, you are under MEDICAL ORDERS to chillax. No picking up kiddos for you. You need to share responsibility, duh. You had a major operation, and this was really hard for you. Plus, you don’t want complications. Treat it like a mini-vacation … a vasec-ation!
  • You may return to work and resume non-strenuous activity in about two days. Avoid activities such as weight lifting and jogging for a minimum of one week.

Birth: Post-Operative Instructions

  • You will bless and thank whatever nurse gave you a tiny diaper filled with ice. This will be the greatest pleasure your perineum has ever known.
  • You’re going to be ejecting stuff for a LONG TIME. It’s normal to have discharge up to the size of a plum. If you don’t flip your shit and call the doctor hyperventilating after passing something larger than your newborn’s fist, my hat goes off to you.
  • You may shower after your labor. At home, showering will be a frenzied affair where you probably wash your hair with face wash and maybe shave half a leg as you listen to the blood-curdling screams of an infant who has been put down in a safe place for three minutes. No conditioner, but lots of guilt.
  • Sure, you just brought life into the world and are quite possibly ripped in two, but who is going to feed and shush that baby (and any other babies you might have previously had) … that’s right: YOU. Why would you think ejecting six to ten pounds of new life would entitle you to rest? After carrying it around for nine months and barfing and aching? Come on!
  • Do not lift over five pounds! But also pick up your baby and their siblings and laundry and car seats and strollers and dogs. Remember, you are the only person who can do these things ever.
  • You will need to return to work and resume regular, strenuous activity pretty much immediately. Activities such as weight lifting and jogging will be pushed on you after a minimum of one week so that you can lose that “baby belly” you had even before you got pregnant.