Each December 25, two billion people celebrate the anniversary of my most successful act of personal branding: the birth of my son, Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior. Even if you’re not delivering the Messiah, a compelling birth story could launch your little lamb (of God or otherwise) into an exciting career as the leader of a major world religion or, at the very least, make other moms feel jealous and inadequate. Here’s a peek behind the stable door to see how I did it:
1. Create a Visually Pleasing Niche Aesthetic
I’d seen hospital, bathtub, and taxi-on-the-way-to-the-hospital-or-bathtub birth events, but no one was literalizing rural haute by birthing in an actual barn. My whole “no room at the inn” gambit developed a suspenseful narrative and synergized organically with my rustic-chic aesthetic.
I wanted my sexy blue robes to really pop, so I ordered a star from the Royal Beauty Bright Collection to be placed directly above the stable. It became a navigational beacon to all worshippers of my son and a future holiday symbol for millennia. Just sayin’, don’t overlook the little details or the cosmic details.
And if you want to look #blessed in your photos? Get the epidural. In every nativity scene, you’ll see me beaming angelically at everyone. Know how I got that reputation for being “Mary, full of grace”? “Grace” is obscure Nazarene slang for narcotics.
Remember, your ultimate goal is that your labor and delivery become so iconic that people will re-create it on their front lawns annually.
2. Monetize with Sponsorships
and Embedded Marketing
My DIY backdoor to a financially secure start for my god-mom brand was to hype my baby’s birth as the fulfillment of an ancient prophecy, then register for baby gifts that only literal kings could afford. The frankincense and myrrh were luxuries, but then, in a stroke of genius, I threw in a third request for solid gold. Might sound cynical, but until Caesar Augustus passes single-payer comprehensive universal healthcare, this madonna’s a material girl.
In place of a bassinet, I commissioned a bespoke manger, in keeping with my birth story’s pastoral glam aesthetic. My carpenter husband simultaneously rolled out his line of artisanal baby mangers in franchised stalls across Galilee’s open-air markets.
Of course, you may prefer more traditional gifts and birthing products for your little bundle of Joy to the World, but I’m not a cookie-cutter kinda girl—which is ironic since cookies became such a big tradition on Mary’s Perfect Birth Plan Anniversary.
3. Include Some Unexpected Quirks
to Make Your Brand Identity Distinctive
Since I was chosen from among all women to bear an incarnate god, I centered my brand identity on the concept “All-Holy Ever-Virgin, Our Lady of the Immaculate Heart.” I know it’s a little over-the-top, but there are a lot of virgins out there and I really wanted to stand out in the marketplace as an extra-pure supervirgin.
Once I, the self-described handmaid of the Lord, was recorded telling the angel Gabriel I would categorically submit to God’s will, the nativity appeared spontaneous and authentic. No one imagined a bad bitch Queen of Heaven was behind every last photo-ready detail.
Except one detail: it was Joseph who requested a percussionist be present for the labor and delivery. I wasn’t keen on the idea. But honestly, Joseph had already accepted that it was not him but, um, the Holy Spirit who had impregnated me. So I wasn’t in a position to say no to his only suggestion. Plus, I’d already hired some hot shepherds as eye-candy background talent, so I had no grounds to claim I wanted privacy. In the end, the little drummer boy became one of those quirky little details that distinguished my brand from all the other virgin births.
4. Enjoy Yourself!
Sure, my baby went on to become the King of Kings, the Prince of Peace, and the Redeemer of all humankind. And yes, celebrating the flawless execution of my elaborate birth plan has turned into the most important religious, cultural, and economic holiday for millions upon millions of people across the world. But I’m sure whatever birth story you tell will be absolutely fine for a non-saint and her non-divine baby. Just have fun with it!