FROM: Gouldsboro College Admissions Team
SUBJECT: Apply today!
Hi Katherine,
As college deadlines roll around, we at Gouldsboro College encourage you to take a chance on our supportive learning community. Since our founding in 1923, Gouldsboro has given scholars from all over the country (and the world, probably) the skills they need to survive in this cold, hard world. We’ve reviewed your profile, Katherine, and think you’d be a fantastic fit. Start your application using the link below, and we’ll see you in September!
Best wishes,
Mark Doyle
Gouldsboro College Dean of Admissions
FROM: Gouldsboro College Admissions Team
SUBJECT: Only six more days left!
Hi again, Katherine,
Gouldsboro misses you! There are only a few days left to make an impression on our admissions team, and we’d love for you to step up to the plate. You don’t even need to try that hard because we accept everyone. Just give it a go, Katherine. We promise you’ll love us.
Counting on you,
Mark Doyle
Gouldsboro College Dean of Admissions
FROM: Gouldsboro College Admissions Team
SUBJECT: What the hell, Katherine?
Katherine,
Are we doing something wrong? Did we, like, offend you or something? We’re asking because we’ve emailed you fifty times in the past three months, and you haven’t clicked a single one of our links. Not even the one that said CLICK FOR FUN STUFF in rainbow letters. Where’s the love, Katherine? Where’s the love of learning? Do you even want to go to college anymore?
Even though you’re bumming us out here in the admissions office, we’d still love to receive an application from you. In fact, we don’t even need an application. Just email us back with the subject line “let me in,” and we’ll do all the rest for you.
Don’t let us down, Katherine.
Moderately offended,
Mark Doyle
Gouldsboro College Dean of Admissions
FROM: Gouldsboro College Admissions Team
SUBJECT: Listen
Dear Katherine,
When I was born, my father didn’t come to the hospital. My mother lay there on the hospital bed, cradling me in her frail, birth-weakened arms, yet he was nowhere to be found. Instead, he went to my older brother Declan’s little league baseball game at the Gouldsboro fields by the freeway. Declan’s team won 15-0.
My father continued to favor Declan throughout my entire childhood. When Declan drew a picture, my father would hang it on the refrigerator with the special magnets that said things like, DON’T TALK TO ME BEFORE I’VE HAD MY 9:00 A.M. VODKA CRAN!, but when I made a piece of art, he would tear it up, throw it in the trash, and call me a loser.
The Christmas I was eight and Declan was thirteen, all I wanted was a BMX bicycle. I had seen kids on the street doing tricks and popping wheelies all over town, and I knew I needed to be exactly like them; free-wheeling, cool as anything, blowing everyone away with my unimaginable skill. On Christmas morning, I ran out of bed to see a shiny, midnight-blue bicycle beside the tree. I ran towards it and was immediately pulled back by my father. He told me it was for Declan.
Katherine, you are my father, and you have a bicycle. A beautiful blue BMX bike that has the power to better the world. You can give it to the Declan schools, those chumps that are handed everything on a silver platter, or you can give it to us, Gouldsboro College, the school that actually loves and cares about you. The underdog school. The cool, epic school.
Please give us the bike, Katherine, and make us smile for once in our sad, miserable lives.
Sincerely,
Mark Doyle
Complicated Yet Devoted Son, Brother, and Man
FROM: Gouldsboro College Admissions Team
SUBJECT: UPDATE TO YOUR APPLICATION
Hi Katherine,
Thank you for your application. We regret to inform you that we cannot offer you a place in the class of 2027. We appreciate your interest in our school and wish you the best of luck in the admissions process.
Love,
Mark Doyle
Gouldsboro College Dean of Admissions