This is our 14th most-read article of 2018.
Originally published February 13.
Name: Holden Caulfield
Occupation: “Jobs” are for phonies who “care” about phony stuff like “bills” and “food”
About Holden: Only looking for casual dating, because everyone’s a phony except for me (obviously). Sidebar, I’m not totally sure that “phony” means what I think it means.
Age: Literally no idea.
Occupation: Mergers (with my enemies’ families) and acquisitions (of their wealth and happiness).
About Heathcliff: Spent a long time cultivating that #RevengeBody and also #RevengeWealth, but now I’m looking for a nice, gullible girl to settle down with, preferably one who just happens to be related to my enemy, who also just happens to be married to my childhood friend. You know, for normal, totally not nefarious reasons.
Occupation: King of Ithaca who is 100% NOT having a midlife crisis
About Odysseus: I’m all about that wanderlust life: it’s about the journey, not the destination, you know? Especially when the destination is full of “responsibilities” like “governance,” “parenthood,” and “marriage to a woman who is clearly smarter than me as she evades being sold like sexual chattel for ten years while I doof around banging random witches and blinding one-eyed giants.” Join me on the journey, baby.
Name: Edward Rochester
Occupation: Wealthy widower. Yep, the old ball and chain is dead. Real dead. Not currently in my attic being restrained with an actual ball and chain.
About Edward: Looking for a younger woman who will mistake my brooding looks and condescending misanthropy for tragic torment, and ideally is into employer-employee roleplay. Bonus if she likes kids but not enough that she’s put off by how mean I am to my adopted daughter.
Name: Victor Frankenstein
Occupation: Doctor, scientist
About Victor: Looking for a partner who shares my enthusiasm for the mysteries of life but would also be up for a relentless hunt to capture and kill my old roommate from my days at the University of Ingolstadt. Sense of adventure is a must, because we leave for the North Pole next week.
Name: Jay Gatsby
Age: How old do you want me to be lol
Occupation: Influencer, Renaissance Man
About Jay: I’m weirdly similar to your ex, but like a fabulously rich and mysterious version of him that you would never have dumped for NO GODDAMN REASON in the first place, Daisy.
Name: Rodion Raskolnikov
Occupation: Student, Extraordinary Man who theoretically it would be totally ok if he just killed an old lady, because I mean, he’s extraordinary, but you know, just theoretically please don’t call that mean policeman who keeps snooping around.
About Rodion: I’m just a better-than-regular guy looking for an almost angelically good woman with a tragic story who will for no good reason dedicate herself to my redemption and is really into listening to me reciting my half-baked Philosophy 101 “theories.”
Name: Jake Barnes
Occupation: Expat, alcoholic
About Jake: Super manly. Definitely, definitely, definitely not impotent. Really into fishing and obsessing over the romantic and sexual choices of a woman who is totally just a friend (but you know, certainly not an equal who’s able to make her own choices, on account of that damn ladybrain). Most importantly: not Jewish.
Occupation: Future King of Denmark
About Hamlet: Family is everything to me. As in, I won’t rest until I tear my family, friends, and maybe even my country apart based on a conversation I had with my dad’s ghost about how it’s SO GROSS that Mom and Uncle C are doing it, and he agreed that it’s totally normal that I’m so fixated on my mother’s sex life. My last girlfriend wasn’t that understanding, so I’m looking for someone who will support me in this difficult time and won’t have a fucking cow every time I stab her dad and verbally abuse her.
Age: Not Applicable
Occupation: Ex-angel, Freelance enemy of God and His creation
About Lucifer: I actually invented online dating, so welcome to Hell.