The Cliquesiders

Two different neighborhood groups at opposite ends of the social and economic spectrum are in constant conflict with one another. One (the poor group) wears Ralph Lauren, the other (the rich group) wears Burberry. As the novel opens, a boy named Ponyboy, (because he owns a pony) is attacked as he leaves the yacht club, starting an all-out war. Eventually the two groups hire poor kids to “rumble” for them at a mall in Westchester. One of them dies after being drowned in the fountain, which is gross. However, Ponyboy will stay gold, which is a bittersweet ending since it’s better than staying silver but not as good as platinum.

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Are You There God? It’s Me, a Sexy Vampire

A sexy vampire wants to know when she will get her period, which is never, since vampires don’t menstruate. This causes a lot of frustration, which young vampires everywhere can identify with. There is also a school dance.

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Little Traveling Pants On the Prairie

They are just a soft, ordinary pair of thrift-shop jeans until four girls take turns trying them on. The four girls are close friends, about to be parted for the summer, with very different sizes and builds, not to mention backgrounds and personalities. Then they eat the jeans, because it’s a cold, cold winter.

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Potter In the Rye

Harry has an adventure in New York City after getting expelled from Hogwarts, which is fine anyway because who wants to go to wizard school with a bunch of wizard phonies anyway? However, not even magic can save you from getting beaten up by a pimp.

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Island of the Gossiping Girls (and Flies)

A ship abandons a group of Manhattan private school girls on an island off the coast of California. In order to survive they craft their own cute canoes and dresses out of bird feathers while making cruel comments about the quality of each others’ bone needle/seal-sinew-thread work. In the end they kill the fattest girl, cutting her throat and spilling her blood. XOXO