Hey everyone! I hope this link is okay to post. If not, mods, please accept my sincere apologies. I’ll take it down so fast. My hand is vibrating over the mouse.
I just wanted to post a fun pancake recipe everyone could enjoy. Hit me up if a link to my personal baking blog misses that mark! Seriously. I’ll handwrite you an apology. Then I’ll print it out, cry all over it, press the resulting pulp into beautiful handmade paper, re-write the apology in calligraphy, and mail it to the mods. You know what, I’m getting on calligraphy TikTok now, just in case.
I know this post leaned self-promotional, but I think it’s promoting something people here would enjoy. If it weren’t, I wouldn’t have posted it. But I totally understand if it’s not okay! We’re all here to have a good time! If you take down the post, just ping me with a DM that includes your home address, and I will stand outside your window at night wearing a T-shirt that says I’M SORRY, holding a boombox above my head playing a mixtape of famous apologies (Nixon’s is a doozy!).
Seriously, if this is not okay, please just tell me. I work hard on my posts, but I know you work hard as a moderator too! I value your time. So if this is not okay, just let me know, and I will go onto the California legal-aid website, print out the correct forms for small claims court, and compensate you for the time you spent deleting my post.
Seriously, just take the post down. I’m ready to leave the group. I deserve a ban. Appliqué a red B on my favorite hoodie. I’ll go into the Notes app I used to compose the post, delete the words I wrote, and overwrite the file. Then I’ll plunge my phone in a five-percent saltwater solution overnight. When I take it out, I won’t put it in rice. That’s how sorry I’ll be.
What will it take for you to forgive me, mods?
If this post is not allowed, please take my firstborn child. I know I’m single now, but I’ll start dating for you, mods. I’ll meet a loving partner, and together we’ll create a child. It’ll be hard to carry a child knowing I’ll give it up, but that is the harvest of my horrible guilt. You can name my baby whatever you want as you’re raising it in a loving home. You can name it “Stupid Bitch Who Can’t Follow The Facebook Breakfast Lovers Forum Rules.”
I’m working on a time machine right now. If this post is not allowed, I swear to the digital gods that I will finish it, and then I’ll hire someone to go back in time and kill my grandfather. I would do it myself, mods, but you can’t kill your own grandfather if you never existed.
I’ll never do it again, mods, I promise. Just tell me. Tell me if it’s okay to post.