From the minds that brought you TOUGH MUDDER, the WARRIOR DASH, and SPARTAN RACE comes … NAVIGATING YOUR DEPRESSION — the latest in ultra-tough obstacle-course competitions for adults!
If you love an extreme challenge, then NAVIGATING YOUR DEPRESSION is the obstacle course for you. Forget what you’ve heard about those other races… participants in NAVIGATING YOUR DEPRESSION are given the ULTIMATE warrior’s task: just making it through a single goddamn day!
Sound crazy?! It literally is!
But that’s not all: while trying to complete the course, our Serotonin Spartans will also have to deal with our world-famous obstacles! In Tough Mudder, those obstacles include the Mud Mile, Everest 2.0, and a barbed-wire crawl! In Spartan Race, you’ll face the sled drag, the seven-foot wall, and the Hercules Hoist! In NAVIGATING YOUR DEPRESSION, you’ll face our world-famous obstacles like PUT ON SOME PANTS.
The PUT ON SOME PANTS obstacle is a brutal test of will, so don’t worry: if you can’t manage to get into a real pair of jeans, you’ll be allowed to continue the race if you can at least put on a DIFFERENT pair of pants. Fresh sweats are at least… something! But that’s not all …
Once you’ve PUT ON SOME PANTS, there’s no time to relax! Hop the Unexplained Pain Partition, sprint up Restlessness Road, and you’ll run straight into your first WATER OBSTACLE! Specifically, the water is in a SHOWER, and the obstacle is you need to TAKE A SHOWER. As with all water obstacles, we have a crew standing by for emergencies, but also to shout encouragement, like, “Come on, man, it’s such a small thing, but it will make you feel like a new person. It’ll take five minutes. Please? For me?”
WHEW. Two obstacles down, a lifetime more to go! Hope you didn’t get too cozy after that last water obstacle, because things are about to get messy! Scale the Crag of Uncontrollable Crying, crawl through the Mud of Muddled Thinking, and just like that, you’re coming up to Obstacle 3, which is GO OUTSIDE FOR LIKE TWO SECONDS. You don’t get to move on in the course until you GO OUTSIDE FOR LIKE TWO SECONDS and remember what real air smells like! Flowers exist, you idiot! Take a big damn sniff!
This course is RELENTLESS, but we know our Dopamine Divas and Dudes won’t give up! Dig deep to sprint through Anxiety Alley, take a break with some Off-Road Sobbing, and then muscle up and get yourself through Obstacle #4: TAKE YOUR MEDS. No excuses this time! Oh, you were starting to feel better so you decided to skip a few days? Look: you can either dominate this obstacle and TAKE YOUR MEDS, or you can have brain zaps and finish the course nauseous and weepy. Your choice, Wellbutrin Warrior!
If you think that was tough, then think again. You’re going to shimmy through the Trouble Concentrating Trap, Scale the Wall of Unexplainable Sadness, and then, oh boy, here comes Obstacle #5: GIVE A TRUTHFUL ANSWER TO YOUR DOCTOR WHEN SHE ASKS YOU ABOUT YOUR DRINKING! This word game is more of a thinking-person’s obstacle, but careful — if any of our officials catch you using the phrases “a few” or “a moderate amount,” then we’re blowing a whistle and you go RIGHT BACK TO THE BEGINNING OF THE COURSE!
Obstacle #6 is deceptively simple, but it’s the one where most people fail. After completing the Loss of Interest Ladder Climb, you’re going to hit the penultimate obstacle, the one that requires you to dig into your deepest well of strength and STOP LISTENING TO MITSKI. Yeah. We went there. Dig deep, Angsty Athletes, and STOP LISTENING TO MITSKI. IT’S NOT HELPING ANYTHING.
The rare few who survive obstacle #6 will round the Bend of Blubbering, climb the Wall of Waking at 3 p.m., and head for the grand finale. And for the seventh and final obstacle, you’re gonna get MESSY! Specifically, you will meet with one close friend in the middle of a muddy field, and they will ask how you are doing. Here’s where it gets messy: to complete the course, you must GIVE THEM AN HONEST ANSWER THAT DOESN’T ATTEMPT TO PROTECT THEIR FEELINGS BY DIMINISHING YOUR OWN PAIN. Wowza! This obstacle is just about impossible, but you’ll have fans cheering you on from the sidelines, yelling your name and chanting, “BY PUSHING AWAY YOUR FRIENDS AND LOVED ONES, YOU ARE TURNING DEPRESSION’S LIE THAT NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOU INTO A SELF-FULFILLING PROPHECY. FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE, GIVE YOUR FRIENDS THE CHANCE TO BE THERE FOR YOU!” Catchy, right?
I can’t find the “sign up” tab on your website. Where is it?
You can’t find the “sign up” tab on our website because no one signs up for this. Participants join our competition not so much by signing up as they do by suddenly waking up one day to find that this is just… what they’re doing now.
How much does it cost to participate in NAVIGATING YOUR DEPRESSION?
Depends on how good your insurance is! But… probably a lot!
My grandmother or grandfather participated in NAVIGATING YOUR DEPRESSION. Am I guaranteed a spot?
This isn’t the Ivy League — we don’t guarantee spots for legacies! That said, the more people in your immediate family who have participated in NAVIGATING YOUR DEPRESSION, the more likely it is that you will, too.
During my time on the NAVIGATING YOUR DEPRESSION obstacle course, I encountered an unexpected obstacle that I hadn’t been warned about. Please explain.
We don’t really know what to say, except that sometimes small, unexpected things happen on the NAVIGATING YOUR DEPRESSION course, and your main job is to just try and deal with it instead of what you usually do, which is to turn a harmless event into a referendum on why you’re undeserving of love.
Are performance-enhancing drugs allowed?
Performance-enhancing drugs are not for everyone, but a lot of competitors find them to be extremely effective. If you’re competing in NAVIGATING YOUR DEPRESSION, we strongly encourage you to talk with your doctor about the use of performance-enhancing drugs.
How long will NAVIGATING YOUR DEPRESSION take?
Some racers will only stop by for a few weeks, while some will spend the rest of their lives navigating the course! Which will you be? It’s best not to think about it!
I trained for weeks to face the “TURN OFF MITSKI: IT’S NOT HELPING AND YOU KNOW IT” obstacle, but when I arrived, my course said that obstacle wasn’t available. What gives?
Availability of the TURN OFF MITSKI: IT’S NOT HELPING AND YOU KNOW IT obstacle varies by region. Your region may not have the TURN OFF MITSKI obstacle; depending on your location, you may instead have: TURN OFF ELLIOTT SMITH or TURN OFF JULIEN BAKER or TURN OFF LANA DEL REY or TURN OFF THE SMITHS or TURN OFF THE ANTLERS or TURN OFF SUFJAN STEVENS or TURN OFF JONI MITCHELL or TURN OFF THE MOUNTAIN GOATS or TURN OFF A SPOTIFY STATION THAT JUST PLAYS AIR RAID SIRENS. Please inquire beforehand to see which challenge you will face.
My friends keep casually talking about how they know what the competition is like because they’ve totally competed in NAVIGATING YOUR DEPRESSION before, even though I know for a fact that they haven’t. What are they talking about?
Your friends are confused. They’ve actually competed in our sister course, THE SADNESS RACE, which is infinitely shorter and easier and is only superficially affiliated with NAVIGATING YOUR DEPRESSION.
Is your course available seasonally or year round?