1. Go to amazon.com and sign in to the account that you would like to cancel Prime for.

2. Click on “My Prime Membership” from the menu bar. From the dropdown options list, select “Ending My Prime Membership,” then “Yes, I’m sure.”

3. Talk to one of our customer service reps at the Prime Cancelation Center1 to receive a cancelation code.

4. Enter your cancelation code on the website and boom, you’re done! Thanks for shopping Amazon and we hope you come back soon.

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1 At this time the P.C.C. has no external phone number so customers are required to make an in-person visit to the center, which is located deep in the bowels of the earth in the realm of Hades, or colloquially, hell.

In order to gain passage to the dread realm of the dead for account management (or for any reason, really) you must first enter the “Crevasse of The Damned.” The Big C, as it’s affectionately called by Amazon employees, is a seething, screaming chasm in the Hoia Baciu forest of Romania.

Make sure to bring a damned soul with you into the underworld if you’re planning on making this a round trip! Any mammal soul will do. At this time Amazon is unable to reimburse soul-related expenses.

When you pass through the Gateway you will come across a river with waters black as night. This river ferries souls into the Underworld, much as Amazon ferries packages to its prime members in just ONE DAY in eligible zip codes. Bribe the hooded ferryman with a small silver coin and he will charter your ride across the black waters to the Gates Of Hell.

Just as Amazon Prime Members receive the “three-headed benefits” of streaming, shipping, and shopping deals, this gate is guarded by a monstrous “three-headed hellhound” who will rip apart the flesh of the unwary. Lay two small steaks and one large steak at the feet of the hound. The heads will quibble over which one gets the largest steak and you can pass unscathed.

When the Gods see you in the Underworld they are certainly going to curse your earthly body as well as your heavenly soul for your hubris. To learn more about what being cursed by The Gods might mean (food turns to ash in your mouth, can only conceive crows and not human children, etc.) check out My Hubristic Curses And Me on the Amazon Kindle for just $4.99.

Take a left through the Gates of Hell into the hazy Fields Of Slumber. Here you will find the thought of lying down and resting irresistible, much like Amazon customers find irresistible deals on technology products every Cyber Monday. If you fall asleep for eternity here, however, your Prime Membership will renew on the first of the month.

On the horizon, you should see the Elysian Fields, a paradise where heroes and the blessed live happily for all of eternity. That is not where you are headed. Instead, follow the signs to descend to Tartarus, the Underworld’s “Dungeon of Torment.”

Here, much as Prime Members can get unlimited photo storage, unwitting travelers can get picked up in the talons of the monstrous Harpies and tortured for a thousand days and a thousand nights over a dread green flame. If you do find yourself in the vile care of the Harpies, we advise you take that time to reflect on the benefits you will be losing if you cancel your Prime Subscription.

Finally, on an island in a lake of tears of the deceitful, you’ll see the Prime Cancelation Center (open weekdays 9 a.m. – 4 p.m.). Here you will meet our Prime Account Management Specialist, Doug. If you’re still sure you want to cancel, Doug will get you set up with a cancelation code for step 4. Grab a mint or Hershey’s kiss from the candy bowl before you head out! Then, exit the underworld the way you came.