I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: If you live in Cape Cod and you don’t have at least one lighthouse-shaped lamp in your home, you need to get the fuck out of my face.

I mean, who the fuck do you even think you are? You think you can just plop down on Cape Cod, with its breezy, romantic beaches and old barnacled docks reaching out poetically into the morning fog, and not have a reading lamp in your living room that’s shaped like a lighthouse? Get the fuck out of here with that.

Are you actually under the impression that you can call Cape Cod your home without a decorative, kitschy-yet-still-fitting lighthouse lamp somewhere in your house? Follow up: Are you a galactic fucking moron?

What’s next? You’re gonna tell me you don’t have any old, black-and-white photos of sailboats or bicycles? You’re gonna tell me there’s not a dusty old lobster trap from the 1800s sitting somewhere in your foyer? Maybe doubling as an umbrella holder? Are you gonna look me in the eyes and tell me that there isn’t an old fishing map of the Cape hanging in your bathroom? Or a throw pillow on your couch with a lobster stitched onto it? Who the fuck do you think you’re talking to?

I don’t care if it’s just your summer home, or your Airbnb side hustle. If you don’t have a lighthouse lamp, you’re just wasting my goddamn time. And no, your godforsaken Lighthouses of Cape Cod calendar doesn’t count.

Get with the program, or get the fuck out.