Rachel, hi. So good to see you, but I’m sorry it’s under such devastating circumstances. I just can’t believe your mother’s gone. Beautiful funeral, gorgeous eulogies. Of course, I can’t help but wonder — was your mother by any chance taking B12? It’s a vitamin. Not sure if you’ve ever heard of it. Maybe it would have helped.
Me? Oh, god, I’ve been taking B12 for ages. I needed a little pick-me-up after I decided to stop donating to the Watoto Children’s Choir — stunning children, but where is the vibrato? — and a gal in my Airedale Terrier trafficking Facebook group recommended B12. That first dose had me feeling more invigorated than the time I sat on my balance ball, sniffed a toasted marshmallow candle, and watched the scene in Heavyweights in which the little fat boys slather the Scandinavian fitness coach in honey. Rachel, I felt good. Hand me a canapé.
Of course, there are several different ways to consume B12. You can take it as a pill, you can take it intravenously, you can bathe in it at a subterranean spa in TriBeCa — it’s impossible to get in, the receptionist is a cursed Easter Island statue — but I like to take it in liquid form. I carry it in this little glass vial — you like it? It’s small, like my waist — so I can slurp down a dose during stressful situations. Like last week, when I found out that my housekeeper has been hiding the Russian Imperial Romanov family in her bucket bag this entire time. Or last October, when I gave my severed clitoris to a traveling merchant in exchange for a new high-efficiency clothes dryer and realized a second too late that it wasn’t even front-loading.
Rachel, let me be clear: I’m never not taking B12.
Some people caution me against taking too much, but I’ll let you in on a little secret: You physically cannot take too much. Your body just releases the B12 that it doesn’t use. Guess where that goes? Rachel, it goes into your urine. Then, of course, you can siphon the urine back into your mouth, thus ingesting even more B12. Not sure how to sterilize urine? Listen, have you tried using B12? Just an idea.
B12 makes you strong. B12 boosts your mood. B12 will convince your gut bacteria to form a blissful family band. Oh, you already have too much gut bacteria? I… have an idea for you? It’s… called B12? Just a thought, Rachel.
Take a good look at your mother’s embalmed corpse, Rachel. Now, look at me. She’s surrounded by pungent sprays of funereal blooms, and I’m oozing the vigor of a 21-year-old Baptist camp counselor.
Oh, you couldn’t afford camp as a child? Did… you try B12?
Your left nostril is whistling because there’s a tiny man in there and he is not paying his property taxes? B12. Wage gap prevented you from purchasing one of those giant foam cowboy hats, leaving you with nothing to wear to the Homeowners Association Hoedown? B12. Elizabeth Warren didn’t get enough talking time during the last Democratic debate? Scream, then take some B12.
Rachel, you’re growing red in the face. Oh, look at that — your hands are around my neck! Oh, Rachel, look at your cuticles. Have you tried putting a little B12 on those? (GAG) Just a thought. I must say, Rachel, you really have quite a firm (GAG) grip! My, I’m feeling a bit (GAG) dizzy. Can you (GAG) pass me my GAG GAG GAG GAG GAG GAG GAG GAG GAG GAG
Rachel, hi! I appear to have ascended from my body after that tricky choking incident. Good news: My constant B12 consumption has guaranteed me a place among the heavenly hosts. I know. Just one quick thing before I embrace an eternity of celestial splendor — can you pass me my B12?
Just a thought!
See also: I’m a Clog Bitch Now