Rachel? So good to see you! Yeah, I’m doing really well — I’m a clog bitch now. As in, I only wear clogs. Look down. See? There they are.

Are my feet cold? Honestly, I can’t even feel them. They’re permanently calloused and gnarled after weeks of walking on a block of wood. That’s the life of a clog bitch, baby.

Let me be clear: Being a clog bitch is more than just wearing clogs. It’s a lifestyle. Being a clog bitch means I repurpose my partner’s stray chest hairs into quirky holiday garlands. Tunics? I wear those now. All clog bitches do. Kate Bush? UGH, YES. The Knife? Fiona Apple? Bitch, I’m WEARING clogs, aren’t I? Look down.

As a clog bitch, I go positively bananas for lavender-scented shit. I grow lemons in the dank alley next to my brownstone. I make my own oat milk using a thin cloth that I embroidered with the sound waves generated by Bjork’s “Emotional Landscapes.” Once again, I AM a clog bitch.

I own so many rugs now. Collecting rugs is a thing that clog bitches do. Sometimes, I’ll peel up one rug only to find another rug underneath it. I don’t know where they come from.

Being a clog bitch means that I carry an unreasonably large hand-felted bag I picked up in Barcelona. Once again, this bag is insanely huge. I need it in case I have to pick up more clogs on my commute. I can fit about three pairs in here.

A few weeks ago, a cockroach crawled into my ear. I was like, um, HELLO? I am a clog BITCH. And the cockroach immediately backed out and apologized.

As a clog bitch, I love to educate people on the dangers of non-organic household items — like paraffin candles. The first time I put on the clogs, I was immediately like, um, paraffin, what in the FUCK? Here, have a wool dryer ball. I have some in this fucking gigantic bag.

Lunch? No, thanks — clog bitches like me only eat photos of Chloë Sevigny. It’s nice because I can eat a photo of Chloë and my body physically cannot digest it, which means I can shit it out and eat it again. This cycle goes on for a few days, which reduces a LOT of waste. You’d be surprised.

A cool thing that happens now that I’m a clog bitch is I can pull Joan Didion quotes out of my mouth. They’re printed on small slips of paper in my digestive tract. All I have to do is unhinge my jaw a little and one or two will pop out from under my tongue. Here, look. Oh, that’s from The Year of Magical Thinking! That’s a good one.

Clog is love. Clog is life. clog good. clog happy. clog joy. eat clog for breakfast. when me no have clog me body systems shut down one by one. clog keep me warm at night. when god happy with me god rain down clog. clog clog clog clog clog clog clog clog

Anyway, I’m thinking of becoming a crochet bitch next.