Good evening, fellow Jorlocks. Your attention, please. I stand before you today, on the summit of Mount Xenul, to deliver great news for the future of our planet. I am happy to announce that the first stage of our attack against Earth is complete. As of this morning, every single human now owns a pair of Nike Free sneakers.
As you know, this project has been a long and uncertain one, the ultimate success of which hinges on brainwashing technology covertly embedded in a popular model of footwear. Of course the path leading to today’s achievement was marked with tremendous doubt. Many of you did not think it was possible for a single brand of running sneaker to saturate the culture of an entire planet. Meanwhile, some of you even questioned my authority as an intergalactic tastemaker.
But you were wrong. And I, the almighty and universally stylish Neelro, was right.
I told you from the start that the humans’ absurd fashion obsessions would be their undoing. You asked, “But what about those who do not exercise? What about those who do not go running?” And I assured you, in my infinite divine wisdom, that even those who do not run would still wear the running sneaker. I told you that whether or not they use the sneaker for its intended purpose does not matter to the humans.
Still, you questioned me.
You peered through our advanced x-ray telescopes into the apartment of the one that the earthlings call “Andrew.” There, in his squalid domicile, you watched this “Andrew” lay for hours at a time, feet dangling off the couch, flinging playing cards absentmindedly into the crown of an upside-down baseball cap. You watched him cram pizza into his face and lurch drunkenly from the mouths of bars.
“Why,” you asked, “would someone like that buy a pair of shoes that are optimized for maximum athletic performance?”
But, you see, I have studied these creatures thoroughly. I told you that the “Andrews” of Earth would acquiesce to an all-encompassing style trend regardless of its relevance to their lifestyles. I told you that, unlike our supreme population of enlightened beings, the people of Earth do not always choose clothing for its functionality or practical applications. Was I wrong?
No! Of course not! I am never wrong!
I told you that they would not see it coming, that they would merely scramble like crazed insects to the nearest department store and throw their money away on pointless podiatric trifles. But again you asked “why?” and I said “silence you insufferable ingrates!” and then you went cowering into your space caves like the insignificant flakes of comet dust that you are.
“But Neelro,” you whimpered, bowing before me on my levitating crystal space throne. “What sort of mindless horde would wear matching pairs of one type of shoe when so many options are available to them?”
Well—for those of you I did not obliterate on the grounds of insubordination—now you have an answer.
Now that every human owns a pair of Nike Free sneakers, we can suck the remaining puny vestiges of knowledge from their feeble minds. We can leech their brains of meaningless pop culture trivia and HBO GO passwords. We can override their unsophisticated nervous systems and transform them into drooling shells of emptiness. We can bring their senseless lives to a screeching halt once and for all, and then claim the planet Earth as our own.
None of you thought it was possible. You never imagined that this day would come. But now every human owns a pair of Nike Free sneakers. And so they will perish for all of eternity.
So let us rejoice. For every man and woman on the face of that inferior distant globe has played right into the palms of my six-fingered hands. Every purchase—every credit card swipe—brought us one step closer to our goal. And now that every disgusting human foot is laced snugly in a cocoon of Nike Free comfort, we can finally launch the round of psychological offensives that will eventually wipe them out of existence.
Now go fire up the Giant Brainwashing Device. Quickly, before they all latch onto the Birkenstock revival.