Dear Sirs and/or Madams,

You sadistic bastards.

Do you dislike kids? What else could explain designing sleepwear that prolongs what newborns hate most: being exposed. I’m referring, of course, to the countless snaps you insist on sewing along every linear inch of your PJs.

Picture my son, a mellow kid by infant standards. Add to that image a clock reading 3 a.m. in a dimly lit room. I’m standing over him, having already struggled to lash a fresh diaper to his fetal form. To this I must add the exquisite torture of getting four dozen snaps snapped before he goes straight out of his precious little mind.

I swear, sometimes I’ve come this close to double-bagging him and letting him sail on, unchanged, till morning.

See, it turns out that what at first seems to be a pretty simple object (a footie pajama) is actually fiendishly complex (96 snaps). Moreover, each of your outfits employs a slightly different closure system. Some PJs have the snaps all the way down one leg, leaving me to cram my son’s other leg down into a fully enclosed footie. Others require a tricky origami fold at the crotch. There’s no attempt at standardization. No mastering one design and moving on.

I’ve tried starting at the top and working my way down. I’ve begun at the feet, done each leg, sorted out the crotch, and worked my way northward. And nearly every time, I’ve ended up with spare snaps and wished you harm, gnashing my teeth as my poor son wails.

And when you use buttons … BUTTONS?! How sick are you? No need to answer; your illness shouts from each and every buttonhole.

I have one word for you, folks: Velcro. Easy to tear open, easy to reattach. Male strippers have been using it for years, so the technology is definitely out there.

In the meantime, I’m just going to rip off all the snaps and buttons and retrofit my son’s outfits myself. While I’m at it, I’m going to cut off all those cutesy brand labels you think you’ve so slyly slipped on, making my kid into an involuntary 21-inch billboard. Remember, sleepwear is his only wear right now. I’ve got no choice here.

Don’t blame the victim on this one. I’ve been asking around in playgroup circles, and other parents are fed up as well. They like the Velcro idea, by the way.

Considering litigation,
M.B. Jones

P.S. I really hope you aren’t part of the same group that makes those low-rise hoochie-mama jeans targeted at my 2-year-old daughter. If so, you can cut that out, too.