Thanks for meeting with me today, gentlemen and lady. A little bird — Gary from Endeavor — told me you’re looking to adapt that famous feminist novel for a prestige cable series. I haven’t read it, but my wife read it with her book club, and it sounds riveting! You just need someone to guide these kick-ass female characters from page to screen, and that man is me.
I don’t need to tell you that strong female leads are VERY hot right now. Everything I read in the trades is either a new female-centric project or a man getting fired for harassment. And when I’m not slightly nervous, I think it’s great! Men had a good run, right? But now it’s time for the ladies to take center stage – with men like me behind them, in all the key decision-making positions.
Not to toot my own horn, but I’ve been interested in women’s stories since before they were marketable. I think Peggy Olsen and Skyler White are two of the most powerful characters ever written! Both by men, coincidentally. And I loved Wonder Woman, at least the part I saw before the plane WiFi cut out. Fleabag? Not familiar with it. Is that in the Ant-Man universe?
If you look at my past work, it’s rife with fully realized female characters. Let’s see, there was “Unstable Mistress,” “Withholding Mother,” “By-the-Books Cop,” and “Moral Compass Wife,” just to name a few. Many people said these characters were so good, they almost outshined the male leads.
And I know how important it is for female characters not to be perfect. They should be human! That’s why I always give them flaws, like daddy issues, or a B-cup. Maybe the protagonist in this series has an addiction to bad men that she plays out over and over. Oh, she’s a lesbian? Like I said, I haven’t read the books.
Just spitballing here, but maybe the heroine is motivated by something traumatic that happened to her. A rape? I guess rape is kind of a cliché at this point. Whoops — don’t #MeToo me for saying that! You can’t be too careful, you know. I’ve stopped talking to the women at work, about anything, just to be safe.
But since I can’t think of anything else right now, let’s say it’s a rape. And the heroine sets out for revenge against her rapist! She learns Jiu-Jitsu and starts wearing boots. Then, maybe she has a baby. A rape baby! She has the rape baby and trains it in Jiu-Jitsu, like a more violent Gilmore Girls. No, I have not seen Gilmore Girls.
Then, Female Lead and Baby Sidekick go on a rampage to kill all the men who’ve wronged them, including Lead’s father. Especially her father. But I don’t want to alienate our male viewers, so ultimately she learns violence isn’t the answer and forgives her abusers. That’s what I would have done to make Arya Stark less scary.
I know this is going to be a culturally important and potentially award-winning series, so the insights into the female experience need to be spot-on. I can offer this, having a wife and a daughter who I babysit up to three times a week. But I know one man can’t deliver every perspective on a woman’s psyche. That’s why I’ve asked Dr. Peter Murkowski, a sociologist at UCLA, to consult.
And sure, I’m more than willing to hire women writers! As long as they’re the most qualified applicants, of course, as determined by me. In fact, I’m open to hiring anyone from the pool of writers I already know from my Fantasy Football league.
I am so ready for this new era of Girl Power! And not just because it might finally win me an Emmy. I love that my daughter will grow up knowing women can occupy anywhere up to 27% of the creative jobs in Hollywood. Yesss! Or wait — what’s the word? “Yassss.”
Okay, let me know when my assistant should start reading the books.