Whoa, whoa there — haha — calm down now, everyone. I get it, we’re all excited about this brand new… document. I know people are already throwing some title ideas around — and I totally think that’s great — but I just fear we might be a little hasty with our labels. While I’m fully aware that this is technically a newer testament than the one that I wrote, I really don’t see why we have to start calling mine The Old Testament.
First, I don’t want you to think I’m being a downer here. In fact, I couldn’t be more thrilled. I mean, finally — a second thing to read! And that’s coming from the guy that wrote the only other book, The Testament!
That’s what it’s called by the way. Just The Testament.
The point is, I’m just as psyched about this new… development… as you guys are. In fact, I’m even willing to let it slide that we’re calling it The New Testament. You know, some might say that’s a little derivative. Disrespectful even. We could’ve gone with Testament 2. Or Testament: Reloaded. Or Allow Me to Re-Introduce Myself (My Name Is Christ). Personally, I liked my suggestion, A Highly Academic Study of Theological and Celestial Principles That Doesn’t Even Have Any Cool Floods or Plagues and Is Mostly Just Some Rube and His Twelve Friends Hanging Out Without Smiting Anyone.
But if we’re set on The New Testament, that’s fine. Really, no biggie, it’s fine.
I guess I still just don’t see why we have to rename my testament. When a sequel comes out, you don’t retroactively change the title of the original. That would be like if, a millennia from now, someone invented a way to capture still images via light, then ran those images in succession very quickly to simulate motion, then used that “motion picture” to tell narratives, and then composed a specific narrative called Alien, and then later continued the story with an installment called Aliens, and then everyone started calling the first one The Dumb Shitty Alien.
That’d be ridiculous, right? I feel like I’m making a lot of sense here.
If you think about it, do we even need another testament? I thought we all agreed that this one was pretty good. “I just can’t get enough of that sweet, sweet testament,” we all said. “Boy, could I go for a cool tall glass of testament right now.” “Yum yummy testament. Yum yum yum.”
We were all saying stuff like that. We were all saying stuff like that pretty much all the time.
Look, I’ll level with you here: Old Testament is not great branding, and this could really do a number on some publishing deals I’ve got lined up. There’s a huge market opportunity in the 12-17 demo, and my agent says these optics could absolutely sink my upcoming Turnt Teen Testament: Praize It to the Maxx. Just think about what would happen if we had to add an “Old” to Turnt Teen Testament: Praize It to the Maxx. It would just sound stupid.
Besides, we already commissioned the cover. It’s Moses using the Ten Commandments tablets to jet ski across the Red Sea. You guys would love it.
I really feel like we’re making a big mistake. I know this is the first sequel in the history of mankind, but I have a feeling that the second one actually being worse than the original is a trend that’s gonna stick around. Future historians will vindicate me, and when they do, they’ll realize the error of their ways. They’ll correct this mistake we’re making. They’ll change the names again. They’ll right this wrong. I just know it.