Arizona Cardinals

The Cardinals will finally play a game at the Vatican — against the Vatican Cardinals. The game will be called the “Battle of the Cardinals.” The Vatican Cardinals will win and proclaim that God made it so. But really it was because who’s going to tackle a ninety-something-year-old cardinal?

Cincinnati Bengals

Quarterback Andy Dalton will find a homeless person named Ping living in his attic. Rather than press charges, Dalton will befriend him and they will film a reality show together called Andy & Ping.

Miami Dolphins

NFL’s aquatic mammal liaisons become entangled in the escalating #NotMyAriel scandal surrounding Disney’s live-action Little Mermaid movie. It’s going to be a shit show.

Baltimore Ravens

Moviegoers will be “RAVIN’” about Meryl Streep’s performance in Greta Gerwig’s remake of Little Women. So much so that Ms. Streep will likely receive her 22nd Oscar nomination for the role of Margaret “Marmee” March.

New York Jets

The Jets’ bus will break down on the New Jersey Turnpike before their game against the Philadelphia Eagles. Players immediately panic and start cannibalizing one another, some reluctantly and some enthusiastically, a la that plane that went down in the Andes in 1972 with the Uruguayan rugby team on board.

Minnesota Vikings

Shit is going to hit the fan here. Just trust me. Shit will hit the fan.

Cleveland Browns

The Browns will make the playoffs for the first time since 2002. They will also add more color to their drab uniforms with bold, bright shades of jewel tones that will run the gamut of the color wheel. The unis will embrace this year’s wonky couture trend — a look that embraces fabulous shapes, asymmetrical necklines, capes, fine tulle, ruffle, balloon sleeves, bubble skirts, swirls of taffeta, and duchess satin.

Carolina Panthers

Cam Newton will take a 23andMe DNA test and discover that he’s related to famed English physicist Sir Isaac Newton. He starts implementing references to universal gravitation and binomial theorems to his play calling.

Pittsburgh Steelers

Fans will abandon the terrible towel and inexplicably start throwing soy sauce packets onto the field during games. Shit will also hit the fan in Pittsburgh.

Houston Texans

Houston will find itself in a protracted legal battle with the Dallas Cowboys about which team gets to change its mascot to the “Betos.”

Indianapolis Colts

The Colts will make the AFC Championship game. Mike Pence will join them in their locker room to celebrate. Mike Pence soon spontaneously combusts.

Jacksonville Jaguars

Eschewing all concerns about CTE, the Jags abandon helmets altogether and instead rely on one of this fall’s biggest hair trends — big volume! Inspired by the Versace pre-fall runway, look for players to add body to their tresses with pre-game blowouts and a host of volumizing hair products, including L’Oréal Professionnel Volumetry Anti-Gravity Volumizing Shampoo

Seattle Seahawks

This probably has “little” to do with “football,” but I bet Henry Kissinger dies in the next few months. Same with Bob Barker. And Kirk Douglas. I bet Henry Kissinger, Bob Barker, and Kirk Douglas have seen their last Super Bowl. No matter what, shit hits the fan.

New England Patriots

This is the year Father Time finally catches up with Tom Brady, taps him on the shoulder, and tries to tell him that his time is up. But before Father Time knows what hit him, Tom Brady bitch-slaps Father Time and Father Time falls down and is all, “Oh you did not just do that!” So Father Time gets up and chases down Tom Brady again and this time tries to Tonya Harding him, but then Tom Brady jumps over the crowbar that Father Time was going to Tonya Harding him with and keeps running.

Denver Broncos

In addition to challenging a questionable pass interference call against his defense, Broncos head coach Vic Fangio will begin to challenge the patriarchy.

Oakland Raiders

The Raiders will finally move to Las Vegas, just in time to see Shania Twain live at her residency at Planet Hollywood’s Zappos Theater. Unfortunately, management will squash efforts to make “That Don’t Impress Me Much” the official team song.

Chicago Bears

Chicago will sign a new quarterback and it will be Harry Styles.

Philadelphia Eagles

The Eagles will also sign a new quarterback and it will be Dame Judi Dench, and the thing is, she is good. Shit hits the fan.

Buffalo Bills

Again, “little” to do with “football” but Prince Philip Duke of Edinburgh hasn’t been looking too healthy lately. Look for him to kick the bucket this season.

Green Bay Packers

Will move to Greenland after the United States buys it. They will change their name to the Greenland Packers. Shit will hit the fan back in Wisconsin.

Los Angeles Chargers

Our data suggests that this team is going to kick, run, pass, and when appropriate, tackle. Also, shit will hit the fan.

New Orleans Saints

Drew Brees’ cousin, a pastor, will have an affair with Drew Brees’ wife. One day while his cousin is giving a sermon, Drew Brees will burst into the church and start throwing haymakers at him. Brees’ wife will be in attendance at the church and try to pull Drew off the pastor. The pastor’s wife will also be there and she’ll figure out what’s going on and start throwing haymakers at Drew Brees’ wife. It’s going to be a shit show.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Anticipating a challenge from descendants of the original Buccaneers, the team will prophylactically change their name to the “Tampa Bay Mole Skinks”

Dallas Cowboys

The Cowboys will find themselves in a protracted legal battle with the Houston Texans over which team gets to change its mascot to the “Betos.”

Washington Redskins

Washington will finally abandon their current offensive mascot name and opt for a new mascot depicting a species native to Washington, DC. Say hello to the “Washington Parasitic Nematodes”

Los Angeles Rams

The Rams will run the triple option, which is much better than the double option but not as good as the quadruple option. Also, shit will hit the fan and after it hits the fan the shit will blow back into their faces.

San Francisco 49ers

Get ready for a shit show. Several 49ers players will face internal disciplinary measures when they skip their Monday night game to eat Chef Tomonori Nagai’s new upscale omakase restaurant, Sushi Nagai, in Union Square. In their defense, players cite the restaurant’s hushed traditional setting only seats ten and reservations are nearly impossible to get.

New York Giants

New York will go undefeated this year. When asked how they did it, the players will universally say that deleting Facebook allowed them to focus on their life and career goals.

Kansas City Chiefs

Follows Washington’s lead and changes its name to honor that for which Kansas City is most known: the birthplace of two-time Oscar winner Dianne Wiest. The Kansas City Dianne Wiests will go 9-7 and earn a wild card spot in the playoffs.

Detroit Lions

The Lions will no longer play any Kid Rock “songs” at games.

Tennessee Titans

The team will hear about a youth who gives uneaten school lunches to homeless people. They invite him to be a sideline guest of theirs during their game against the Colts and they present him with a check for $5,000. No one says this out loud, but everyone is thinking that $5K isn’t all that much considering what the team is worth.

Atlanta Falcons

I think it all rests on how the OL performs. This is a really tough schedule where I could see some bad luck and the Falcons having a record worse than they actually are. But I also think if ATL’s OL comes together and they create a balanced offense that can control the tempo and also strike hard if they have to, then they can beat anyone. If that happens and the D is even just average this team should be a 10+ win team. Also, shit will hit the fan.