“Those who brand the Brothers of Italy as fascists miss the point. Meloni’s party is not so much the heir to Benito Mussolini’s fascist movement as the first European copycat of the US Republican party.” — The Guardian, 9/28/22

- - -

I feel like I can be real with you, so for the sake of being honest, I should probably let you know that I’m different. I’m unique, a little quirky, sometimes downright strange. I march to the beat of my own nationalist drum. Sometimes I like to dance in the rain, and sometimes I go totally off-book and give my fellow Brothers of Italy bunny ears. Weird, right?

Just so we’re clear, before we take this relationship any further, you deserve to know that I’m not like other fascists.

You can’t easily put me in a box. Political analysts have argued over whether I am a traditional fascist, a neofascist, or even a post-fascist. I don’t believe in labels. But if I had to pick, I’d probably be a populist with a pretty little fascist bow on top. Like I said, I’m not like other right-wing politicians.

I’m not a fascist’s fascist, or a populist’s populist. I’m not even a girl’s girl, since I’m probably going roll back women’s rights anyway. I’m mysterious. Hard to pin down. I’m a woman, but I also actively dislike women and will introduce policies that reinforce the patriarchy. I might become the first female leader of Italy, but that doesn’t mean it’s a good thing. I switch things up by posing as a strong woman here who makes conditions worse for women everywhere.

The biggest question raising international eyebrows is my stance on Vladimir Putin and Russia’s invasion of Ukraine. To be totally transparent, I don’t really feel like telling you. Initially, I showed support for Russia, but recently I told Ukraine they can count on my support. You’ll just have to wait and see. Fun, right? Maybe I’ll even bake cookies.

Really, I’m just going to see where the wind takes me. Publicly, that is. I don’t want to alarm anyone, so to the international stage, I’m an upbeat energetic forty-five-year-old woman with an alarming World War II-era streak. In private, I’m the exact same thing but worse. Think Trump’s niece minus the Adderall addiction, plus less wives, and a shred of intelligence.

American conservatives see me as something of a European icon, but I am not anyone’s puppet. Except for Ted Cruz. He’s fun (easily manipulated). I’m just here to have a good time, make some enemies, and drag Europe back into the Dark Ages.

I don’t make hardline political decisions, at least not yet. I flirt with them instead. That way, when I get elected and do the exact opposite of everything I promised international leaders I would do, they can’t get mad. I mean, they can, but by that point it will be too late. If they did it in America, we can do it in Europe.

My political ideology isn’t backwards; it’s upside down and sideways with a fun loop-de-loop in the middle. Meaning that it makes absolutely no logical sense and will leave you feeling slightly ill. I’m making the far-right cool again. I’m a friend to the people, first and foremost. The people that look like me and talk like me and believe the same things I do.

That might not make me popular everywhere, but it does make me a populist fascist here. I’m just quirky like that.