Lol, I’m like so awkward. Like, I’m basically socially dysfunctional. I’m the person who always says the awkward thing in a group of people. I’m often in groups of people, because I have many friends, despite being awkward.

I have a hard time with eye contact because I’m really socially awkward. I mean, I’m fine during conversation, like I can maintain eye contact while someone is talking to me, but while I’m sleeping I can’t keep eye contact AT ALL. Isn’t that so uncomfortable?

I’m that awkward girl who texts something way too forward to the 8-15 men who are pursuing me. Like, when Robbie texted “you’re so cute!” I responded, “I know, right?” How awkward is that? Or when James, an extremely handsome investment banker, showed up to take me out on a very expensive date, I still had my hair in a ponytail when he rang the bell. Awkward!

I get really awkward at restaurants. Like, I’ll always ask for salad dressing on the side because it’s important that I stay very, very skinny. I mean, if I’m going to be awkward, I at LEAST need to be hot. But then the waiter’s always like “ok, we can put it on the side,” and I’m like “thank you!” How awkward is that? I want to just melt into the ground and die, but I can’t, because I’m usually at dinner with many of my many extremely cool friends, of which I have many.

I’m like crazy awkward at family gatherings, too. Like, my cousin just got out of jail and that’s an awkward conversation topic in general, and so it’s awkward when my other family members bring that up. I’d never bring it up, but it’s also awkward when I have two glasses of wine and compliment everyone’s hair! That’s so awkward! And my grandfather is dying of cancer, so he can’t say much, but I always say the awkward thing and tell him we’re all praying for him. Which I’m not even doing – not only am I awkward, but I’m a liar.

I’m also really awkward at work. Like, I might get fired some day for being too awkward. Like when my coworker Ben was sexually harassing me I sent the MOST awkward email to HR telling them that he compliments my ass. I called my ass my “butt” — HOW awkward is that? I just feel guilty that I put HR in the position of having to have a really awkward conversation with Ben about how awkward the interaction was, but there’s really nothing I can do about it because I’m just like naturally very awkward. And then Ben got fired and all the other women were like “you’re a hero” and I was like “no, I’m just so awkward, and also, yes, a hero.”

I think I was born awkward. Like, I came out of the womb NAKED. How awkward is that? And it hasn’t gotten any better since then. I awkwardly get naked at least once a day to shower, and often a second time to have sex because I have a very active sex life. I guess men think it’s cute that I’m awkward because I’m not actually that awkward at all, I just like to awkwardly talk about how awkward I’m being when I’m actually being kinda normal. I wish I could say calling myself awkward is awkward, but it’s actually really normal because everyone cool does it. Awkward!