“In these baseless accounts, which by Tuesday had spread rapidly on social media, the students are described as ‘crisis actors,’ who travel to the sites of shootings to instigate fury against guns. Or they are called F.B.I. plants, defending the bureau for its failure to catch the shooter. They have been portrayed as puppets being coached and manipulated by the Democratic Party, gun control activists, the so-called antifa movement and the left-wing billionaire George Soros.” — New York Times, 2/20/18

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Hey guys, how we doing? It’s me, the P.R. specialist who’s coaching those teenage crisis actors through the aftermath of the Parkland shooting, and I gotta say, I am nearing the end of my rope. I thought this would be another easy two-day job where I’d bring in some actors, feed them some BS anti-gun propaganda, and the news cycle would move on, as it always does. Instead, the damndest thing is happening: These kids absolutely refuse to break character.

Christ, these teens have me exhausted. I just wanted to have a little fun, see some of south Florida, and carry out a false flag attack for a deep state conspiracy to brainwash our nation’s youth with the globalist agenda. But these teenagers are up at 5 am, prepping for interviews with news outlets, organizing public demonstrations, writing press releases, and attending funerals. I’m like, hello?! You’re not on camera with Jake Tapper right now! Your Soros checks have already cleared! Chill out and I don’t know, go enjoy craft services. I mean, goddamn. Even antifa takes a break once in a while.

I’ll tell you, these kids are deep in character. So much so that, when I was on a conference call with some reps at Commercial Kids Talent Agency and the FBI a couple days ago, I found out these crisis actors had been attending Marjory Stoneham Douglas High School for years to research their roles. They even went as far as actually being inside the school when the attack took place. Listen, I’m all for whatever gets me closer to forcing every God-fearing American to melt down their guns and refashion the scrap metal into a false idol to John Podesta, but does every single one of these teenagers really need to method act? Um, Jim & Andy much?

Maybe I’m just not used to this caliber of acting. When America is not in the immediate wake of a tragedy, my day job typically entails mechanically working Disney stars’ jaws so they can swallow their uppers in time for the 14th hour of an international press junket. In cases like that, I often find it can be hard for child stars to find their character’s motivation. These kids, though, they’re different. They don’t need month-long Meisner intensives, or school shooting-specific scene study workshops. The only preparation the students of Marjory Stoneham Douglas needed was to live through an unspeakable tragedy and have the internal fortitude to vow to never let it happen again. Voila! Oscar-level acting.

Well, okay, sure, they’re not perfect. Sometimes, they stumble over the lines we had Robert Mueller discreetly tattoo on the insides of their eyelids, or they forget to turn on their Rothschild-funded invisible earpieces. When that happens, though, they do something unexpected and kind of infuriating: They improvise. They start speaking from a place of righteous anger and fierce idealism, a place that can only exist for those old enough to be hardened by an inconceivable trauma, yet young enough to truly believe they can prevent that trauma from befalling others.

And that all sucks for me, obviously. I worked hard on those lines!!

So now, as we enter the rehearsal process for our upcoming site-specific movement piece (March for Our Lives on March 24, look out for tickets!), it seems like these crisis actors will stay in character until they get what they want — meaningful gun control legislation. I might not get to rest until this administration passes meaningful gun control legislation.

Fuck. That might take a while.