1. Helen Keller, your local driving instructor, uses your lesson time to have you chauffer her to the nearest convenience store for a bottle of spring water.

2. Cyrano de Bergerac forgets he is masturbating while helping Baron Christian woo Roxane on her balcony.

3. Beowulf apologizes to you mid-coitus.

4. The stingray who killed the crocodile hunter offers his condolences to the Irwin Family.

5. Roman Polanski offers directions to Ben Kingsley based on his own interpretation of Fagin’s relationship with Oliver in Oliver Twist.

6. The pinball machine from The Accused visits the psychiatrist.

7. Lady MacBeth, your local dry cleaning attendant, attempts to remove that nasty grape juice stain from your favorite dress shirt.