Many people think information wants to be free. In fact, this is false. Information wants to be $29.95, plus shipping and tax.

Information wants to be mail ordered. But information can also be hand-delivered. That will, of course, incur an extra charge.

Information is looking for a good home. Information looks harmless, it looks like something you would want your children around. Don’t be fooled. Information is fierce.

Information may try to deceive you by showing you its long tongue, by giving your sons and daughters a lick. Do not let information trick you. Keep information away from your sons and daughters. The moment you turn your back, information will bare its sharp teeth, which it had been hiding behind its long, playful tongue. Information will bite your sons and your daughters with its sharp teeth. Your sons and your daughters will be scarred by information.

Information will want to go on walks. Not those short, easy walks, down the street and back. No. Information will meander, take you into neighborhoods you thought were not safe, pull you in directions you had been afraid to go. Information is not your friend.

Information is not your friend. I know, you think you bought information. You did buy information. Information was not expensive, though. Information was made in China, in Russia, in Eastern Europe. Information is cheap, shoddy. For more expensive information, you have to pay $299.95, and, anyway, they don’t even make that more expensive information anymore. The information market has been undercut by cheap, imported information. And anyway, most people can’t tell the difference.

Information, when it comes into your home, will pee on the rug. It’s just what information does. It isn’t worth it, to get mad at information, to scream at it, to tell it that it has been bad. Information knows that it has been bad. Information does not care. It is information. It’s just doing what information does.

After a few weeks with information, you may have resigned yourself to the fact that information is never going away. That you purchased information as a lark, a gag gift, but it’s turned into one of those emblems, those totems, like your old sofa, that you know you should get rid of but you just can’t find the time or the energy to replace. That is right. You cannot get rid of information. Information is stuck on you, like a cold sore. Enjoy your information. Make the best of it. Information is awful. Information will be with you forever.