Are you tired of women opening jars all by themselves? Is their independence keeping you up at night?

Well, fear no more! Our engineers over here at Jars Jars Jars LLC are delighted to announce our latest and greatest product, the Jar Lid 5000™! Yes, this is the jar lid of all jar lids — now with a brand new, unparalleled innovation: the Single Woman Guard™ that makes it impossible for any woman to open unless she’s dating a tall, strong man.

We know that most jar lids today use a lesser version of this innovation. They make it difficult, yes, but never before has it been totally and completely impossible. If she had a rubber glove, an unusually strong forearm, or even an electric jar opener, she might find a way to pry that sucker open. But thanks to our newest patent-pending design, women everywhere will either have to get a tall, strong boyfriend to open their jars, or be forced to give up on their peanut butter and jelly sandwiches… forever!

How did we come up with this ingenious product innovation, you ask? Well, we thought about the futile plight of single women everywhere and their sad, weak little arms, and we wondered how we could make their singledom even more difficult and humiliating. The answer was simple: tighten the jar lids, of course!

And lo and behold, the Jar Lid 5000™ was born.

From now on, when an unsuspecting woman buys a jar of, let’s say, Nutella (classic single women food), her life will never be the same. Once she gets home, changes into her dirty sweatpants and starts binge-watching Friends for the 150th time, she’ll try to open that Nutella jar. Then she’ll try and try and try some more. She’ll try the rubber gloves, run it under hot water, even smash it on her countertop — but nothing will happen. Then she’ll sink down into her chair, with beads of sweat dripping down her face, just staring at the jar. And in that moment, she’ll finally understand that only a tall, strong boyfriend can solve all her problems, particularly her jar problem.

So she’ll go out and get a man, and you won’t have to worry about female independence ever again.

Now even the simplest of dijon mustard’s will stand for something great, and help women ease into the patriarchal society surrounding them.

For a limited time, we’ll ship our patent-pending design straight to your factory door for just $1,299 a month! But hurry, this earth-shattering, glass-ceiling reinforcing price won’t last forever! Call and get your Jar Lid 5000™ today!

Every man knows all a woman needs is a tall, strong boyfriend, (ranging anywhere between 5’9” – 6’5, and 175 – 200 lbs, preferably Caucasian), to make her happy. Now it’s up to us to make women understand that, too.

The Jar Lid 5000.™ Get a grip, ladies.